about my valentines day post...

Ya so i was just reviewing what i wrote... because i saw there was another post for 2012 and i didn't remember writing it... so anyways i read it... dear lord do i ever sound pretentious, especially nearing the end. That fate would release me from this contract what the hell was i even saying........ wow. okay silly past self me.

Anywho en re:

That was actually the 8th of february. The next day i talked to sarah about Keates and she confirmed that not only was it fine with her but she WANTED us to go out. i thought it was a little strange but what the hell yay for me. I ended up asking him out two days later.... He obviously said yes. We see eachother almost daily now. I'm very happy.

Now that i've said that SERIOUSLY going to write my cappies review.

That feeling.

You know that feeling you have when you know that you're supposed to be doing something important so suddenly all sorts of things around you suddenly seem vitally important to do now. For example... and this is *cough* totally hypothetical: I'm supposed to be writing two cappies reviews that i have to send in before i go to bed but the cleanliness of my room is just too hard to live with and i must clean it! or go on youtube and catch up with all those subscribers i've been ignoring these past few months.... or ANYTHING besides actually writing the cappies reviews. This is very difficult because i really want to write them and just have them over with so i can go to bed. BUT i just dont want to do the WRITING part. Can't they just be done without the work first...? Why can't life work that way it would be so much easier. I'm sure we all know this feeling and i just wanted to share because like i said ANYTHING but writing the review. .... No one reads this and i probably should think that's a shame but i really don't. If i really wanted people to know my every thought i'd get twitter. I don't really care. This is just an outlet. for when i'm bored or upset or procrastinating. Even this is procrastinating by talking about procrastinating. Those the most important to me i tell my deepest thoughts but if you aren't someone i love then i guess youre screwed. Or you've happened upon this blog by some strange happenstance. Or you're a stranger reading my inner thoughts which is weirdly okay. Because it's easier to tell a stranger something than a close friend. (Except public speeches!) That's why psychiatrists do so well.

Anyways i've got to go actually write these reviews so i dont have to stay up really late so i can rest before i hang out with keates tomorrow. :) I don't really need to talk about him on here. For the first time i don't want to tell strangers about my relationship and how i feel about him because its just us two. its private and comfortable and i like it that way. I don't know if that makes sense but... its true. ANYWAYS RIGHT! going to write now......, sort of.

Toodles.

Valentines day 2012

So. It's uhh been awhile. I don't know why i still sometimes want to do this. I guess it's better than ranting and annoying my friends. And there are some things that I just can't talk about to anyone. Not yet. So I tell the world... Though I'm sure no one reads this. Anyways let's just get to it then.

I'm in love with my best friend. Okay well maybe not in love yet, but damn am i ever close. I really like him. I really really like him. When he's not around I can't stop thinking about him and wishing he was there. When he is there I never want to stop talking. He's handsome and smart and adorable in a nerdy sort of way that is pretty necessary in my life. I adore him. He makes me laugh and he actually listens to me, though sometimes I really do wonder why. And I can relate to him. We're just so similar. The more time I spend with him the more I want to. He's been going through a rough time lately and all I want to do is hug him tight and kiss him until it all goes away. Or at least until he feels better. The worst part is I can't do a thing about it. In my head I play out scenario after scenario of me asking him out or vice versa and Yet I know that it can't happen. It's not because he doesn't like me, oh I know he does. It's complicated but it goes something like this:

I've liked him on and off since grade nine when he saved me from my lonesome solitude by the steps. I think he's liked me too. But early last fall just as I was about to man up and ask him out Sarah told me that she liked him too. Being the wonderful friend that i am (and not wanting a repeat of the derek incident*) we made a pact with five rules. She broke every single one of those rules apart from actually asking him out. I didn't know this of course until later. Anyway. He knew that we both liked him and we vowed that we would not make a big deal of this and that our friendship takes precedent. That's all fine. He asked her out. And they went out, though it was the strangest most awkward relationship I have ever seen and if I'm honest it made them both sort of miserable. But I got over it, that is not the issue of this story, I even started to like this other guy Luke marshy, but then he had a brain hemorrhage and went into a coma in the hospital and is now home ill. I still care about him but it made me realize that it wouldn't work, I didn't care enough about him (I was upset but not nearly enough). But then Sarah dumped Keates and I hung out with him. At first it was just to cheer him up because I didn't want him to get all depressive alone in his basement because Keates it's always the best when he's happy (or really annoyed but that's just because his sarcasm is hilarious). But then as we began to hang out more and more I remembered all the reason that I cared for him and learnt a lot about him since. I've fallen for him hard and I can't ask him out because Sarah wouldn't forgive me. And I don't have enough friends t be able to afford that. I'm going to try talking to her to judge where she is mentally and emotionally but knowing her Im not too keen on being hopeful in the slightest.

So that's where I am this valentines day. Caught in the most desperate of triangles pleading with fate to somehow release me from this unwanted contract.

I really hope it ends well. I don't want to hurt anybody but a the same time I want to be happy too and right now the only person who makes my day good and makes me smile and want to wake up in the morning and enjoy the day is Keates.

Jen

*the derek incident: we went out, he later found out that pickles liked him, she became really depressive over it. And it made him curious, and sort of complimented I guess, I don't know. And his curiosity to see what would happen with her (his crush right before me) eventually won out. He dumped me and went out with her. That didn't work either btw but it's the principle of the matter. I was asked out because he KNEW I liked him, he didn't think he had a chance with her. Now neither she nor I are friends, neither of us are dating derek and honestly even my friendship with him is ruined.

So. 2011 has come and gone. I have no disillusionment that anyone actually reads this blog anymore. I write in this for myself. I don't remember the last time i posted and i'm not necessarily going to update everything that's happened. Life changes, things are altered. It happens. If this is for me i know my own life i don't need to tell myself about it.

As it is, derek dumped me. I went out with this sweet guy named Jake, it just didn't work out. Life continues. first semester of grade 11 is nearly over and i can't believe it. Summative time is hitting me hard and i'm really stressed out. Not because they're actually that hard but because i don't want to do any of them. I'm bored. and that's the truth. It's P4A so i've been thinking a lot. It's hard to picture all these people's different lives and different problems. And yet all i want to do is finish these damn projects. Some are sort of interesting but for the most part i rather go hang out with friends which is my dilemma as i wont let myself do so until i finish, but im procrastinating because i want to do soemthing else. I guess that's exactly why im posting. Because i feel as if i'm actually doing something productive without ACTUALLY doing anything productive for what im supposed to be doing. It's a compromise for myself i'm not sure i enjoy.

I should go deconstruct Generation RX right now...

anyways. bye

evermore

I'm not sure why I'm posting. A lot has happened in my life. I think i've grown as a person. Honestly blogging just isn't a priority anymore. I have another blog simply enabling me to show off my art pieces to family far away and friends and such without actually having to show them in person.

I won 3rd in the National Capital Writing Contest in may. It was such a great experience. Also I was published in the ottawa Citizen. My average this year was a 89. This will change as of now. I also finished my summer biology course with a 96% which is more my speed. Now that i no longer have to take all these courses that bring my average down simply for the credit i can focus on school.

As of.... a few days ago I'm once again single. It's not really bothering me though. Not as much as i thought it would. Granted i don't have to see him everyday like at school. It wasn't the broken dish affect at all. In fact I still had no issues with him whatsoever. I thought we were getting along great. Amazingly in fact... but then apparently he did not. The day of our 7th montheversary he informed me that he just didn't love me anymore. I can't be mad at him because it's how he feels. We are still close though even if its not a relationship it can be a friendship... though many adjustments and rules must be made.

I'm good single. I can focus on me and the work at hand. Theres so much to do. It hurts to be rejected by someone you love but I'm getting over it. Slowly. It helps that i have wonderful friends that are helping me by. Some helpers surprised even me. Ethan has been wonderful which really shocked me. He's very nice and finding ways just to keep my mind off everything. I hadn't even realized how much i missed just hanging out with him. I think i'm okay now.

I guess i'm posting just to get everything out there. so its no longer me in my bedroom thinking to myself. I'm getting it out of my system so i can get on with my life and my priorities.

The courses I'm taking next year are:
1. Biology - finished
2. Physics
3. Chemistry
4. Anthropology
5. Functions
6. Ancient History
7. English
8. Link Crew
9. Art

I was planning on taking Writing craft however the course was cancelled. Alas being the constant seniors of the school has its set backs. For one, not having older grades. My backup course is Law. In case i feel like dropping history or physics. Two courses i am very worried about.

As for my spare time Styks High has died away to a past memory... I realized that its an impossible task, the idea too far stretched and i was ashamed of the story somehting an author can never be. I'm writing a series of short stories that are quite marvelous. I'm drawing more. And listening to music as much as ever. Though a new genre for the most part. I am a nerdfighter after all and i never FTBA. I just figure following the music is more my speed aswell. I really enjoy my Trock, Wizard Rock and Other youtube bound music, such as Charlie mcDonnel, Alex Day, ALL CAPS, Hank Green and John's singamagigs. I'm still reading. Though not as ravishingly... I have other things to keep me occupied honestly.

Once school begins i will be in band, though not jazz, working on the sets for the musical, the swim team, tutoring in science, cappies and the newspaper.

I got a hair cut, its VERY short. but it suits me. I don't look twelve anymore and i'm actuall proud of the way i look. I also got my braces off. After 5 years what a relief!! It seemed the day would never come!

I'm going to enjoy this year, with friends, and myself, my own goals, and no serious ties holding me down. Maybe a boyfriend will come in time, but even so, I come first this time. My life doesn't get put on hold for him anymore. I won't let myself do it again. I won't drop everyhting for anyone but myself.

evermore,
DFTBA

PS: My deares Athina has left me for british colombia so i got skype to stay in touch with her :( I'll miss her sooooo much

that reminds me i never continued the tweeting thing for Romeo... so meh

Sickness

Ahh sickness, the toils we all have to battle with. Flu's and colds, disease and pestilence. Personally i hate colds. Your head feels as if its going to explode. eyes water and sting. Nose hurts. youre congested. you have headaches and body pains. fever and chills. However its in sickness that you realize who you trully care about. I'm very ill right now and all i want to do is curl up in derek's arms and sleep. He came over this afternoon and we napped, he rubbed my back and brushed my hair. He was incredibly sweet and took care of me. I never wanted to move again. I wished time could just stop and we could stay like that forever even if it did mean i was perpetually sick. I feel safe with him. Nothing bothers me because nothing can if hes around. Home is where you feel entirely happy and secure so my home is now with derek. I've never trusted anyone as much as him, he just has such a good spirit. I love him. Entirely.

The enevitability of change

Change Is the everpresent everaltering presence in all of our lives. Change is entirely enevitable. We become different people. Live different and new experiences. Speak new things, learn new information. Our views and thoughts are constantly running. Forward movement is necessary though not always wanted. However once we've changed it is impossible to return to our once former selves.

My life for one is changing considerable in the few months since i last posted. Little things such as what shows i watch to what grammar lessons ive learned that in ten years i won't able to recall. But also life forming things like course selections to build a foundation for my future career.

I feel I've grown considerably. Not in height but in character.

I've longed to post for some time now and was just unable to properly formulate the words to convey what i wish. But as i watch the King's Speech with my mom I can't help but think that if He, with a grave speech impediment, can find the words to run a country, then I can certainly blog.

As I've said before i don't wish to blather on about meaningless things but there have been recent events that I believe will greatly affect my life.

Upon research into careers I've come to realize that anthropology isn't a good match for me after all. I don't plan on completely removing it as an option however and do still plan to continue with the course. Forensic sceince is becoming increasingly appealing as are a few other jobs such as criminal psychiatrist.

I've had to choose my courses carefully as to not elimate any optional feilds that i may need in the approaching future. But having only 8 slots this proved to be a great challenge. Especially considering that i didn't want to create a grade 11 year for myself that i would foreseeable loathe. This balance is not easily found especially regarding all the science courses im taking.
In conclusion i have chosen to take Art, English, Writers Craft, Anthropology Sociology and Psychology, Physics, Chemistry, Functions, Law, and Biology (over the summer).

My friends have been changing aswell. Not just whom i hang out with but also how they as people have been changing. Because as i change those around me are changing also.
I fear that with all these changes I've been growing farther and farther away from my once dearest friends. It seems that i miss them less and feel less inclined to put them ahead of my other friends. I still love them. I still care about them and we still talk. But after months of seperation with little to no communication between. Life has ended up drifting away from us. As we have drifted apart. A few months ago i got together with the old gang and for the most part it was empty and awkward. We were different people and though we still shared comminalities they seemed stilted. We couldn't connect as well as say 2 years ago. This sadens me but i feel it can't be helped. Time is strange in this way...

But as friendships lessen others strengthen.

Pickles and Sarah, before close have now become Twins. We think so similarly now that sometimes we catch ourselves completing eachothers thoughts. This is especially true i feel with Sarah. Though we have our differences its strange how we can be so similar and up till now lead two lives so seperate from the other. Even teachers have begun to associate us together.

I've also drifted away from the lunch group though i never really felt a strong attatchement to them. One day the group that made me happy, just didnt. It was the shattered dish effect. I realized quickly that it wasn't trully these people with awful and twisted critical humor that made me happy but the connecction with people. ( So it would seem I'm a social butterfly after all). So it was at this point that my depression started to seep through the cracks of my life once more. No one else would realize it of course as i hid it very well.

But i felt it.

I found it increasingly difficult to laugh and smile. Their jokes weren't good anymore and only made me feel solitary and alone because no one seemed to share this sentiment. That is of course when i began my search for others, anyone else who shared these feelings. I had a small friendship with Pickles and Sarah, though this was mostly in class... however it soon evolved into a strong friendship that i could absolutely count on.

I realized this the day we all went to see deathly hallows. All dressed up as characters, with our wands in our back pockets and our spell books in hand. We stood outside for hours and the epiphany hit me. Not only was the despression nearly gone, but it was these people who have become such close friends that have done it.

Finally one last piece has effected my life emensly. Perhaps moreso than anything else. This is also the final piece to drag me out of my depression and back into the light of day. Literally, the very cold winter day. Derek White. A boy that I've been attending school with since primary. I've known him for what seems my whole life but until recently wasn't important to my life in anyway. He was the son of one of my moms friends, we played together in the sandbox in grade one, he was zach's friend.... now ex best friend. He didn't really have a place in my mind... Until early december.

It was early december that Derek joined the Twinness. Obviously there were steps in between but for some reason it moved so quickly. I think that its because of how perfectly he fit with us. Us only recently forming anyway. He played world of warcraft, he was a total nerdfighter, the best chess player in the school besides Mr Czudner himself, a doctor who fan, Harry potter fenatic, band geek, 5x5 rubix cube solver, and a now member of the Sitters-Of-The-Stairwell-C*.

Derek and I soon became even closer than twin ness. He's handsome and intelligent and funny, we have so much in common and just enough different so that its interesting. We have perfect simitry, how could i help liking him? So we began to hang out more and more. Talk intensively for long periods of time. We had a doctor who marathon that lasted an entire day. This was until the 28th of december when he asked me out.

For the past 2 months i've fallen in love with him. Apparently though we were dating even before we were. Everyone saw it but us, and when we did it was just so right. I love Derek entirely. And we have so many jokes, between clay platypi and pi time, and the location of muffins, and the doctor who christmas formula, we're always laughing. And you clearly know i love him readers and i can prove it so easily..... I WALK home with him every day after school. Yes readers, i walk, outdoors, in the cold, when i could take the bus. That is true love. :D But honestly i do. Even if it seems early or impossible its how i feel and i can see that he feels so too.

I know its just a matter of time before the broken dish effect... but the difference with Derek is that i don't think he's perfect. I see his flaws and i love him in spite of them. And i know he loves me. So different from everyone else. He REALLY cares. I feel that this time its different. He isn't pressuring me to have sex, hes dedicated to me WAY beyond cheating, hes not an emotional wreck, and though he's flawed, it just makes him more real.

But change is everything. He certainly changed me, like the rest. However i pray we're together for a long time. Because i feel that this will. Even though change is enevitable i hope we change together and not apart. I've never met anyone who understands me as much as him.
JMK

*Sitters-of-stairwell-C began when Sarah brought her Berty Bott's every flavoured beans to school. We of course had to experimental eat. It was trully flavour russian roulette ( I got rotten egg, twice.) Jacob and Genn also couldn't pass up the oppertunity. And where Genn goes, so does David. So we all went, after period two, to the stair well C, sat in a circle and passed around the beans. And after you see people puke up multy coloured goop your tend to bond a sort of connection. Pickles also sometimes joins us but for the most part eats lunch with Aavan, who the rest of us don't really like...

The Now

Dear readers, i apoligize for not posting in some time. But I've realised some things... for starters that life cannot be lived on the internet or cooped up at home. I've discovered the importance or actually socializing. It's a strange thing admitting. I've been alive for 15 years and i've only just figured out the point of life. Granted i must have known at some point previous. Though not consiously admitted it. Also that others may not ever come to this conclusion. Anyways back to the point. I haven't been posting because life can't be written down in a series of entries because none of them do them justice. I've been typing away my life but honestly not really saying anything at all. And i spend so much time writing about the past that i haven't been living the present. On top of that I've just come to know that some experiences are better left to ones self. And other's no one really cares about. I could tell you about every little moment in my life that come a month later I won't even recall. Or i could just inform you of the important information and actually be saying something worthwhile.

This said i have been living life, I've been hanging out with friends and not just on the internet and i can't even begin to touch those concepts here..... the experiences can't properly be put into words. I could type for hours and meet no end because if a picture is a thousand words than an experience is uncountable.

In this realisation I've been participating in more and more things so as to enjoy the most that i can in the time i have. I've been going to assemblies and laughing with friends, joining clubs and having a blast in them, i've been trying to effect peoples lives. I think i'm actually doing that now.

The whole point i began writing besides the love of it was so that i could change something in someones life. so that i can effect people no matter how small the alteration. And lately i've been able to do that without having to stay cooped up constantly. November may be nanowrimo but I've only writ 5000 words. i may be 45 000 short but i dont really care because instead of styaing home writing something that really doesn't have to be written right away (my short stories) i've been out celebrating with friends. I've been going to sens games with brendan, the book store with ian, the harry potter marathons and movie openings with sarah and shopping for weird costumes with pickles. I've doodled the dark mark on my wrist, pet the monster book of monsters, and discussed with some random guy on the street about how he got this scar on his arm when he was thriteen (it vaguely ressembles the dark mark but is on the right side of his arm). I've been connecting to a community I've never been able to before and its made me clear on so much.

I feel ashamed that at one point i tried to conform myself to fit standards that were not my own. Now that I'm geeking out and jsut being me I feel so much less stressed out and so more more relaxed. I'm swimming with people i would usually never hang out with and thne i'm going ot book clubs with others i might not usually talk to, and yet balancing with my band friends and my fellows nerdfighters. Because as long as i'm completely myself i have something in common with all of them and so we get along.

I used to classify people into groups, groups that i have now realized are completely innacurate. Yes there may still be sheep and conformatists, but then there are the people that are just honestly who they are. And then there are the people I've classed wrong because i never bother venturing out and getting to know them. People can't be set in groups because though they may act some way they aren't necessarily always like that, they may just be showing one side of their personna. People are more than 3 dimensional, they're facetted and i don't even think that psychologistscan properly judge a person. because a psychologist is a person too and thus blinded by their humanity.

So maybe some of you find this post to be one of my worst because i'm not telling you about an event but instead an outlook of my thoughts. That's okay, because I'm happy and for the first time i don't want to think about the past or the future i just want to live in the now.
J.

The Schwa

Time apart trully makes one realise the preciousness of one thing. For instance my friend Athina. It seems that now we rarely see each other and it's sad. And sometimes i begin to think that maybe we weren't that great friends after all. However when we do get together i'm reminded why it's so awesome to be friends with her, and im reminded of why i miss her so greatly.

Yes i was pleased to be able to see her again today and i was reminded just how much i miss when we could see each other on the daily basis. I love her so much. It's hard to explain. It isn't just that we're very close friends. We are in every way soul twins. I can't wait until i see her again. It's thrilling to hang out again. By the end of the night we were completely in sync again especially with our Telepathetic powers.

But its still not enough time. We don't see each other for months at a time, and very rarely alone and then we only have a few hours to talk. In Dance cases we don't even have that... But i'm not posting to complain. I'm in a very good mood and i just can't wait to see whats next in store for me.

I've also sent a letter to Athina indicating that we should send them the old fashion way. 1. bcause the best literature is on paper, 2. it can be completely unexpected and cheer up your whole week 3. theres something poetic about it and 4. With athina and I it just the only way to go.

Other than that Ive gotten twitter.
now before you all rip my head off for the ubsurdity hear me through. In english class we were assigned a project. It was that we were assigned a character in Romeo and Juliet and we had to make twitter acounts posting as them. I was assigned Romeo. It's actually a lot of fun, even if it is twitter. I actually think i might continue it afterwards oncce in a while about like his life after death. Set in a fantasy world sort of parrallel to that in Midsummer's night Dream. Check it out if you want www.twitter.com/romeoincognito BTW isn't that the best user name ever?! Romeo In Cognito. that is just poeticaly perfect.

It's snowing today and for some odd reason im not that upset about it. then again Its not yet 40 degres after 4 months of freezing and i have to walk home in the dark and 3 PM. But for the instant it seems sort of in place. Like a calm blanket is convering the world. Protecting everything and whipping the slate so that new life can come again. And that's sort of what i feel like right now. Like its time for a new chapter in my life. One that is much more happy.

Oh. i finished my book. Not editing of course but soon. Hopefully by christmas. Though school is my first priority.

Jen

time planning

Okay with school suddenly giong into hyperspeed... though i already thought it was near light, i've found that i need to better use my time... I've actually since realizing this come to notice just how much time I've wasted in the past. So my halloween resolution is to figure out ways to keep my time more organized. First off I'm going to just plan these next few days so that I can be certain all these deadlines are met. Also I want to find a time of the day that is solely for my book. that way i actually can have my novel on the physical plaine.

though i have once again forgotten my laptop with my english poject at home i have managed to finisht the script and screen plan in these two classes. So at least i've accomplished something!

Actually i just spent the majority of this class helping tara finish her filming so yays another accomplishment. i also just realized that monday is a PD day so i dont have any classes that will certianly help with time catching ups... it seems that Im not as behind as i thought after all. i may in fact even finish my book if im lucky.

I have band after school today so i dont think ill be able to finish this post. so0 until later.

Jen