day from hell!

god I feel sooo crappy right now. that hole in my chestr has returned ten fold. And even though at school i try to put on a brave face and hold it in buut today I think it seeped out today on the bus. I think I have my friends fooled because seriuosly I tricked myself into thinking it was gone. Guess not. So even though all day I've just been wanting to curl up into a ball and cry, I had to go through the motions, make jokes, smile and laugh. Lately though it has gotten a lot harder to smile and pretend everythings okay. So I guess the'll soon find out because I'm confiding in my blogg again. the thing is sometimes I really need my friends to keep my spirits high but now I just kind of don't. Like I rather be left alone to mope by myself. of course that will never happen with my friends, I mean they're practically family. . . Ugh. Well I guess I should talk about it because if I don't I'll probably have a melt down any day now.

Okay well today was band so of course it was doomed from the start but today was so much worse. I forgot about band, so at seven my mom stormed in my room yelling and screaming. So you can see how much I knew today was going to be the best yet!!! so in two minutes flat I was ready to got crying to whole time. I didn't get a chance to brush my teeth or hair or eat breakfast. So I felt really crappy once Ifinally got there. ah but there's more before then. My mom of course was still on hysterics as we got in the car and even slapped me! That didn't help the issue much. Then of course she just had to bring up the " Sybil only things about herself" road. WE've been on it many times before and I'd just sit and go through the motions of tears to calm back to tears again, but this time was diffrent just because it was morning and my nerves were already strung out as far as they go. So she took them and played guitar and I finally had enough so I fought back andd well that shut her up for a moment. I mean I'm the quiet one. But I'd had enough! Any way I got over the quick snap before she had so I just shut up again and waited for her to start yelling again. And sure enough she did in ten fold. By the time we were at school ( which to my dismay took like an hour because of traffic) I was very near a break down. So when I walked out side and my mom drove away i crumpled to the floor. I mean I was already late what would two more minutes add? So I cryed on the front steps of our school and when I started calm ing down I went inside and no one suspected a thing of course not.
Sorry but I can tell this will be a long one**
As the day went on I was less and less sure of myself and just wanted to go hide in the dark, but 1. I forgot my music 2. My friends wouldn't leave my side and 3. because of the snow there is no DARK!!!!! Athina was also away today so i felt a bit more hidden than usual. I confided in kelsey though and it was fun, we had a blast in outdoor gym..... but that was early in the day......... the day seemed so long because at every turn I was trying to hide my tears. once I got on my bus I had pretty much snapped. I was trying to hold myself together but it was hard especially when every thing anybody said was just anoying. So that was that..... Jordan of course figured he had to sit next to me and blabber on meanwhile the only thing I felt like doing was being alone with my book. so when I didn't smile at his jokes or never answered his questions with more tahn yes or no , he figured it was his fault and insisted on apoligizing, which ,made it that much harder. I so badly knew that I should have broken up with him but it just didn't feel right. Once we finally got to my stop, i stepped outside and felt the cool breeze brush my face. Every body was complaining about the cold but I wasn't, "I barelly felt it at all, but what I could feel I used as a way to clear my mind... When I got home I really badly wanted to go to work and just get my mind off it but that didn't happen.I couldn't go because I had to watch my sister . the thing is she wasn't even there, she was at a friends like she is every day after school, while I can't even go to work. that didn't help the matter. Now I really feel depressed but of course my dad had to push it farther by asking me to help her with her homework.... See I don't have patients for people who are still doing homework three hours after school has ended. If it takes that long and your in grade four it means your not trying and if your not trying I don't want anything to do with you.... I did try buy within minutes I was yelling and my dad came in and gave me shit. The thing is with my dad gettign shit involves lots of feel good friendly moments and I'm seriously not in the mood. It made me feel worse and now I'm writting this. As you can plainly see from begining to end the hole in my chest has done nothing but grow and soon it'll be time to get the darkness where I can hide alone and finally shed those quiet tears.
Story of my life,
GothGirl xox