The inevitable.

A few weeks ago when i last posted the largest thing on my mind was my trip. Now i just can't seem to remember its importance. That's the thing about memories and concepts, even opinions. Sometimes something seems like the biggest thing in the world and then once something bigger comes along you can't even seem to remeber why you cared. This has been my most recent revelation. Though i suppose most others' have realized it somewhat before it still intrigues me. Just how ones perception of a memory can alter through time, and you forget details of events that seemed life shattering before hand. However it's only natural. It is part of the human way to live and forget and to change to ones new views. No matter how frightnening the emotions fade, and then we repeat our mistakes, because we have forgotten the consequences. It is said tht History repeats itself because we don't learn from our mistakes. I dissagree. I believe history repeats itself because we keep forgetting the reason behind that set message. We keep forgetting the minor details. we forget certain things, like the sorrow and the suffering, and then though we learnt that lesson, we forgot why it was relevant. Its not that we can't learn from our mistakes, its that we often forget why we had to learnt them in the first place.

Recently i've had to make a huge descition. one that probably will effect the rest of my life. I can only hope that it was the right one because i fear there is no going back. I know that in 20, 30, 40 years from now, im going to look back on this descition and see just how much it changed who i became. Changed the descisions i will make in my future, for better or for worse.

Not too long ago I went through a lot of tough times at home. That is what ispired me to begin blogging. What happened was very repetitional. My mom would get angry, send me to my dads, then i would become his source of anxiety release, and he would scream and me and throw tantrums, and drink, and get more angry, and then get sad, and then blame every bad mistake made in his life on me. Then he too would kick me out. or vice versa. then i would go to Leah's, and jim and sure would take care of me, until one day when my mom decided she wanted me back. I always told myself that i would never go back, that this was the final straw but the moment i had a chance i would jump right back into her arms. This lead to many years of depression and self loathing. then for a while it got really great. My parents and i rarely fought, and though my dad still rants uncontralably and brings my moral down sinificantly he rarely throws tatrums. And as i matured, i got better at dealing with these set problems. I joined yoga, and i found wicca. I descovered myself, lost that blanket of insecurity, got new friends and discovered my passion for reading and writing. However i forgot why i learnt to calm myself. I forgot why i never get angry anymore, i forgot why i suppress my emotions, and i forgot to do so. Thus my mom one day snapped. Out of nowhere we were fighting again. so much so worse than before. Because i forgot to not talk, because i forgot that with my parents i dont have an opinion, i forgot that i never argue no matter how much i want to.

Friday the 16th my mother threw me out. Again.
I went to my father's and it was dark and cold and empty because he wasn't home, like usual. I missed my friends, and Ethan, and i cried a lot. And i told myself that i wouldn't go home. I wouldnt, and i couldnt live at my fathers' because there he always ignores me and i become a non existant ghost, wafting through life, forgetting its meaning. I dont live when im there. So i would ask Sue and Jim, my figurative adoptive parents if we could stop pretending. I was tired, so tired that i decided i would ask them if they could adopt me. I had made up my mind. Come monday morning i would pack up all my stuff and move out for good. I was tired of the un necessary bullshit. That's why i hate drama so much, why make problems when there arent any? Problems aren't fun, they only lead to sadness. My mom daunting as always decided to give another "'last chance" and for a while i said no. All the while wishing for my mom to just leave me alone because i final realized she must hate me, thats the only explination for all these arguments, for all this supression. And i honestly told her, i told her, this is my last time. I was done. Had she stopped calling right there i probably would have gone to move in with Jim and Sue. I wanted to so badly. They always make me feel special and loved, and they make me proud, and they always encourage my accomplishments and are honestly interested in what i am, im not just a nuiscance to them. God they care about me and i love them for it. They really are my extra parents, and im lucky to have them. But my mom was stuborn as always,, and she persisted and persisted. She wouldnt stop calling and i almost just let the phone ring. But then she came over. and she sat there are talked to me up the staircase and said how sorry she was. Lot that did me. So i ended up caving. and you know it wasn't that i'd miss my mother, or that i'd miss my dad, not even close. I felt selfish with the thoughts that passed through my mind, but how could i help it, my parents really dont care about me. So all i could think was my room, god im going to miss that, it was like my little piece of paradise, and i'd hate to leave it. and my bed, i love my bed. and my furniture, i worked so hard and making everyhting perfect for me. And now it would all be gone and i'd have to put up with Leah's room. because it would never me mine. It would always be hers. I'd never really have a space again until i moved on my own. So i missed my stuff. how superficial. But what really made my descision, my descision to finally come back was my sister. i felt so guilty leaving her with them. I know that it sounds all sweet, but it really isnt, she's their angel and she could do no wrong. I guess if i left they might start noticing some of her faults... i dunno i just wanted to keep her from that critisism as much as possible. Because shes the age now, that i was when my parents started to really hate me. or atleast to show it. I didn't want that to happen to her. atleast not yet. She doesn't learn as fast as i do, she might get herself in worse trouble than i did.
So in the end i went back and i've been on house arrest ever since. No computer, no phone, no friends, no outings, nothing. i missed a backstage concert at bluesfest, parties like crazy, and sleepovers with friends. and i only realized how much i missed today when i finally got to talk to people again. I missed so much that i've just spent the entire day trying to catch up. I'm still not.

But don't think that it was the fact that i missed 2 weeks of my grade 9 summer that made this change the rest of my life. No, I'm not that naive, though im a teenager. No. This changed my life because now, now it's starting again. I've realised that i like having an opiniion. I basically spent the entire 2 weeks at work because i didnt have naything else to do. And there i could finally let go, and when i had a difference of opinion i didn't have to keep it in, i could let it out. and instead of yelling we'd have a calm debate about it. Arguments dont give me anything as per "youre wring im right" i just dont see that way, Jim and Sue get that, and with a debate you can process the thoughts clearly, and often times enough i do realise that i in fact am wrong. Im obviously not perfect and i dont think i do. But with that i have a feeling that next time i get kicked out, and it is when not if, im probably not coming back. I think i may discuss this with Jim and Sue but, i dont think i can keep myself a statue anymore...... Am i a bad person that i dont think i'd miss my parents at all? I guess its just time to wait i guess because really now that we're arguing again.... it is inevitable.