about my valentines day post...

Ya so i was just reviewing what i wrote... because i saw there was another post for 2012 and i didn't remember writing it... so anyways i read it... dear lord do i ever sound pretentious, especially nearing the end. That fate would release me from this contract what the hell was i even saying........ wow. okay silly past self me.

Anywho en re:

That was actually the 8th of february. The next day i talked to sarah about Keates and she confirmed that not only was it fine with her but she WANTED us to go out. i thought it was a little strange but what the hell yay for me. I ended up asking him out two days later.... He obviously said yes. We see eachother almost daily now. I'm very happy.

Now that i've said that SERIOUSLY going to write my cappies review.

That feeling.

You know that feeling you have when you know that you're supposed to be doing something important so suddenly all sorts of things around you suddenly seem vitally important to do now. For example... and this is *cough* totally hypothetical: I'm supposed to be writing two cappies reviews that i have to send in before i go to bed but the cleanliness of my room is just too hard to live with and i must clean it! or go on youtube and catch up with all those subscribers i've been ignoring these past few months.... or ANYTHING besides actually writing the cappies reviews. This is very difficult because i really want to write them and just have them over with so i can go to bed. BUT i just dont want to do the WRITING part. Can't they just be done without the work first...? Why can't life work that way it would be so much easier. I'm sure we all know this feeling and i just wanted to share because like i said ANYTHING but writing the review. .... No one reads this and i probably should think that's a shame but i really don't. If i really wanted people to know my every thought i'd get twitter. I don't really care. This is just an outlet. for when i'm bored or upset or procrastinating. Even this is procrastinating by talking about procrastinating. Those the most important to me i tell my deepest thoughts but if you aren't someone i love then i guess youre screwed. Or you've happened upon this blog by some strange happenstance. Or you're a stranger reading my inner thoughts which is weirdly okay. Because it's easier to tell a stranger something than a close friend. (Except public speeches!) That's why psychiatrists do so well.

Anyways i've got to go actually write these reviews so i dont have to stay up really late so i can rest before i hang out with keates tomorrow. :) I don't really need to talk about him on here. For the first time i don't want to tell strangers about my relationship and how i feel about him because its just us two. its private and comfortable and i like it that way. I don't know if that makes sense but... its true. ANYWAYS RIGHT! going to write now......, sort of.

Toodles.

Valentines day 2012

So. It's uhh been awhile. I don't know why i still sometimes want to do this. I guess it's better than ranting and annoying my friends. And there are some things that I just can't talk about to anyone. Not yet. So I tell the world... Though I'm sure no one reads this. Anyways let's just get to it then.

I'm in love with my best friend. Okay well maybe not in love yet, but damn am i ever close. I really like him. I really really like him. When he's not around I can't stop thinking about him and wishing he was there. When he is there I never want to stop talking. He's handsome and smart and adorable in a nerdy sort of way that is pretty necessary in my life. I adore him. He makes me laugh and he actually listens to me, though sometimes I really do wonder why. And I can relate to him. We're just so similar. The more time I spend with him the more I want to. He's been going through a rough time lately and all I want to do is hug him tight and kiss him until it all goes away. Or at least until he feels better. The worst part is I can't do a thing about it. In my head I play out scenario after scenario of me asking him out or vice versa and Yet I know that it can't happen. It's not because he doesn't like me, oh I know he does. It's complicated but it goes something like this:

I've liked him on and off since grade nine when he saved me from my lonesome solitude by the steps. I think he's liked me too. But early last fall just as I was about to man up and ask him out Sarah told me that she liked him too. Being the wonderful friend that i am (and not wanting a repeat of the derek incident*) we made a pact with five rules. She broke every single one of those rules apart from actually asking him out. I didn't know this of course until later. Anyway. He knew that we both liked him and we vowed that we would not make a big deal of this and that our friendship takes precedent. That's all fine. He asked her out. And they went out, though it was the strangest most awkward relationship I have ever seen and if I'm honest it made them both sort of miserable. But I got over it, that is not the issue of this story, I even started to like this other guy Luke marshy, but then he had a brain hemorrhage and went into a coma in the hospital and is now home ill. I still care about him but it made me realize that it wouldn't work, I didn't care enough about him (I was upset but not nearly enough). But then Sarah dumped Keates and I hung out with him. At first it was just to cheer him up because I didn't want him to get all depressive alone in his basement because Keates it's always the best when he's happy (or really annoyed but that's just because his sarcasm is hilarious). But then as we began to hang out more and more I remembered all the reason that I cared for him and learnt a lot about him since. I've fallen for him hard and I can't ask him out because Sarah wouldn't forgive me. And I don't have enough friends t be able to afford that. I'm going to try talking to her to judge where she is mentally and emotionally but knowing her Im not too keen on being hopeful in the slightest.

So that's where I am this valentines day. Caught in the most desperate of triangles pleading with fate to somehow release me from this unwanted contract.

I really hope it ends well. I don't want to hurt anybody but a the same time I want to be happy too and right now the only person who makes my day good and makes me smile and want to wake up in the morning and enjoy the day is Keates.

Jen

*the derek incident: we went out, he later found out that pickles liked him, she became really depressive over it. And it made him curious, and sort of complimented I guess, I don't know. And his curiosity to see what would happen with her (his crush right before me) eventually won out. He dumped me and went out with her. That didn't work either btw but it's the principle of the matter. I was asked out because he KNEW I liked him, he didn't think he had a chance with her. Now neither she nor I are friends, neither of us are dating derek and honestly even my friendship with him is ruined.

So. 2011 has come and gone. I have no disillusionment that anyone actually reads this blog anymore. I write in this for myself. I don't remember the last time i posted and i'm not necessarily going to update everything that's happened. Life changes, things are altered. It happens. If this is for me i know my own life i don't need to tell myself about it.

As it is, derek dumped me. I went out with this sweet guy named Jake, it just didn't work out. Life continues. first semester of grade 11 is nearly over and i can't believe it. Summative time is hitting me hard and i'm really stressed out. Not because they're actually that hard but because i don't want to do any of them. I'm bored. and that's the truth. It's P4A so i've been thinking a lot. It's hard to picture all these people's different lives and different problems. And yet all i want to do is finish these damn projects. Some are sort of interesting but for the most part i rather go hang out with friends which is my dilemma as i wont let myself do so until i finish, but im procrastinating because i want to do soemthing else. I guess that's exactly why im posting. Because i feel as if i'm actually doing something productive without ACTUALLY doing anything productive for what im supposed to be doing. It's a compromise for myself i'm not sure i enjoy.

I should go deconstruct Generation RX right now...

anyways. bye

evermore

I'm not sure why I'm posting. A lot has happened in my life. I think i've grown as a person. Honestly blogging just isn't a priority anymore. I have another blog simply enabling me to show off my art pieces to family far away and friends and such without actually having to show them in person.

I won 3rd in the National Capital Writing Contest in may. It was such a great experience. Also I was published in the ottawa Citizen. My average this year was a 89. This will change as of now. I also finished my summer biology course with a 96% which is more my speed. Now that i no longer have to take all these courses that bring my average down simply for the credit i can focus on school.

As of.... a few days ago I'm once again single. It's not really bothering me though. Not as much as i thought it would. Granted i don't have to see him everyday like at school. It wasn't the broken dish affect at all. In fact I still had no issues with him whatsoever. I thought we were getting along great. Amazingly in fact... but then apparently he did not. The day of our 7th montheversary he informed me that he just didn't love me anymore. I can't be mad at him because it's how he feels. We are still close though even if its not a relationship it can be a friendship... though many adjustments and rules must be made.

I'm good single. I can focus on me and the work at hand. Theres so much to do. It hurts to be rejected by someone you love but I'm getting over it. Slowly. It helps that i have wonderful friends that are helping me by. Some helpers surprised even me. Ethan has been wonderful which really shocked me. He's very nice and finding ways just to keep my mind off everything. I hadn't even realized how much i missed just hanging out with him. I think i'm okay now.

I guess i'm posting just to get everything out there. so its no longer me in my bedroom thinking to myself. I'm getting it out of my system so i can get on with my life and my priorities.

The courses I'm taking next year are:
1. Biology - finished
2. Physics
3. Chemistry
4. Anthropology
5. Functions
6. Ancient History
7. English
8. Link Crew
9. Art

I was planning on taking Writing craft however the course was cancelled. Alas being the constant seniors of the school has its set backs. For one, not having older grades. My backup course is Law. In case i feel like dropping history or physics. Two courses i am very worried about.

As for my spare time Styks High has died away to a past memory... I realized that its an impossible task, the idea too far stretched and i was ashamed of the story somehting an author can never be. I'm writing a series of short stories that are quite marvelous. I'm drawing more. And listening to music as much as ever. Though a new genre for the most part. I am a nerdfighter after all and i never FTBA. I just figure following the music is more my speed aswell. I really enjoy my Trock, Wizard Rock and Other youtube bound music, such as Charlie mcDonnel, Alex Day, ALL CAPS, Hank Green and John's singamagigs. I'm still reading. Though not as ravishingly... I have other things to keep me occupied honestly.

Once school begins i will be in band, though not jazz, working on the sets for the musical, the swim team, tutoring in science, cappies and the newspaper.

I got a hair cut, its VERY short. but it suits me. I don't look twelve anymore and i'm actuall proud of the way i look. I also got my braces off. After 5 years what a relief!! It seemed the day would never come!

I'm going to enjoy this year, with friends, and myself, my own goals, and no serious ties holding me down. Maybe a boyfriend will come in time, but even so, I come first this time. My life doesn't get put on hold for him anymore. I won't let myself do it again. I won't drop everyhting for anyone but myself.

evermore,
DFTBA

PS: My deares Athina has left me for british colombia so i got skype to stay in touch with her :( I'll miss her sooooo much

that reminds me i never continued the tweeting thing for Romeo... so meh

Sickness

Ahh sickness, the toils we all have to battle with. Flu's and colds, disease and pestilence. Personally i hate colds. Your head feels as if its going to explode. eyes water and sting. Nose hurts. youre congested. you have headaches and body pains. fever and chills. However its in sickness that you realize who you trully care about. I'm very ill right now and all i want to do is curl up in derek's arms and sleep. He came over this afternoon and we napped, he rubbed my back and brushed my hair. He was incredibly sweet and took care of me. I never wanted to move again. I wished time could just stop and we could stay like that forever even if it did mean i was perpetually sick. I feel safe with him. Nothing bothers me because nothing can if hes around. Home is where you feel entirely happy and secure so my home is now with derek. I've never trusted anyone as much as him, he just has such a good spirit. I love him. Entirely.

The enevitability of change

Change Is the everpresent everaltering presence in all of our lives. Change is entirely enevitable. We become different people. Live different and new experiences. Speak new things, learn new information. Our views and thoughts are constantly running. Forward movement is necessary though not always wanted. However once we've changed it is impossible to return to our once former selves.

My life for one is changing considerable in the few months since i last posted. Little things such as what shows i watch to what grammar lessons ive learned that in ten years i won't able to recall. But also life forming things like course selections to build a foundation for my future career.

I feel I've grown considerably. Not in height but in character.

I've longed to post for some time now and was just unable to properly formulate the words to convey what i wish. But as i watch the King's Speech with my mom I can't help but think that if He, with a grave speech impediment, can find the words to run a country, then I can certainly blog.

As I've said before i don't wish to blather on about meaningless things but there have been recent events that I believe will greatly affect my life.

Upon research into careers I've come to realize that anthropology isn't a good match for me after all. I don't plan on completely removing it as an option however and do still plan to continue with the course. Forensic sceince is becoming increasingly appealing as are a few other jobs such as criminal psychiatrist.

I've had to choose my courses carefully as to not elimate any optional feilds that i may need in the approaching future. But having only 8 slots this proved to be a great challenge. Especially considering that i didn't want to create a grade 11 year for myself that i would foreseeable loathe. This balance is not easily found especially regarding all the science courses im taking.
In conclusion i have chosen to take Art, English, Writers Craft, Anthropology Sociology and Psychology, Physics, Chemistry, Functions, Law, and Biology (over the summer).

My friends have been changing aswell. Not just whom i hang out with but also how they as people have been changing. Because as i change those around me are changing also.
I fear that with all these changes I've been growing farther and farther away from my once dearest friends. It seems that i miss them less and feel less inclined to put them ahead of my other friends. I still love them. I still care about them and we still talk. But after months of seperation with little to no communication between. Life has ended up drifting away from us. As we have drifted apart. A few months ago i got together with the old gang and for the most part it was empty and awkward. We were different people and though we still shared comminalities they seemed stilted. We couldn't connect as well as say 2 years ago. This sadens me but i feel it can't be helped. Time is strange in this way...

But as friendships lessen others strengthen.

Pickles and Sarah, before close have now become Twins. We think so similarly now that sometimes we catch ourselves completing eachothers thoughts. This is especially true i feel with Sarah. Though we have our differences its strange how we can be so similar and up till now lead two lives so seperate from the other. Even teachers have begun to associate us together.

I've also drifted away from the lunch group though i never really felt a strong attatchement to them. One day the group that made me happy, just didnt. It was the shattered dish effect. I realized quickly that it wasn't trully these people with awful and twisted critical humor that made me happy but the connecction with people. ( So it would seem I'm a social butterfly after all). So it was at this point that my depression started to seep through the cracks of my life once more. No one else would realize it of course as i hid it very well.

But i felt it.

I found it increasingly difficult to laugh and smile. Their jokes weren't good anymore and only made me feel solitary and alone because no one seemed to share this sentiment. That is of course when i began my search for others, anyone else who shared these feelings. I had a small friendship with Pickles and Sarah, though this was mostly in class... however it soon evolved into a strong friendship that i could absolutely count on.

I realized this the day we all went to see deathly hallows. All dressed up as characters, with our wands in our back pockets and our spell books in hand. We stood outside for hours and the epiphany hit me. Not only was the despression nearly gone, but it was these people who have become such close friends that have done it.

Finally one last piece has effected my life emensly. Perhaps moreso than anything else. This is also the final piece to drag me out of my depression and back into the light of day. Literally, the very cold winter day. Derek White. A boy that I've been attending school with since primary. I've known him for what seems my whole life but until recently wasn't important to my life in anyway. He was the son of one of my moms friends, we played together in the sandbox in grade one, he was zach's friend.... now ex best friend. He didn't really have a place in my mind... Until early december.

It was early december that Derek joined the Twinness. Obviously there were steps in between but for some reason it moved so quickly. I think that its because of how perfectly he fit with us. Us only recently forming anyway. He played world of warcraft, he was a total nerdfighter, the best chess player in the school besides Mr Czudner himself, a doctor who fan, Harry potter fenatic, band geek, 5x5 rubix cube solver, and a now member of the Sitters-Of-The-Stairwell-C*.

Derek and I soon became even closer than twin ness. He's handsome and intelligent and funny, we have so much in common and just enough different so that its interesting. We have perfect simitry, how could i help liking him? So we began to hang out more and more. Talk intensively for long periods of time. We had a doctor who marathon that lasted an entire day. This was until the 28th of december when he asked me out.

For the past 2 months i've fallen in love with him. Apparently though we were dating even before we were. Everyone saw it but us, and when we did it was just so right. I love Derek entirely. And we have so many jokes, between clay platypi and pi time, and the location of muffins, and the doctor who christmas formula, we're always laughing. And you clearly know i love him readers and i can prove it so easily..... I WALK home with him every day after school. Yes readers, i walk, outdoors, in the cold, when i could take the bus. That is true love. :D But honestly i do. Even if it seems early or impossible its how i feel and i can see that he feels so too.

I know its just a matter of time before the broken dish effect... but the difference with Derek is that i don't think he's perfect. I see his flaws and i love him in spite of them. And i know he loves me. So different from everyone else. He REALLY cares. I feel that this time its different. He isn't pressuring me to have sex, hes dedicated to me WAY beyond cheating, hes not an emotional wreck, and though he's flawed, it just makes him more real.

But change is everything. He certainly changed me, like the rest. However i pray we're together for a long time. Because i feel that this will. Even though change is enevitable i hope we change together and not apart. I've never met anyone who understands me as much as him.
JMK

*Sitters-of-stairwell-C began when Sarah brought her Berty Bott's every flavoured beans to school. We of course had to experimental eat. It was trully flavour russian roulette ( I got rotten egg, twice.) Jacob and Genn also couldn't pass up the oppertunity. And where Genn goes, so does David. So we all went, after period two, to the stair well C, sat in a circle and passed around the beans. And after you see people puke up multy coloured goop your tend to bond a sort of connection. Pickles also sometimes joins us but for the most part eats lunch with Aavan, who the rest of us don't really like...

The Now

Dear readers, i apoligize for not posting in some time. But I've realised some things... for starters that life cannot be lived on the internet or cooped up at home. I've discovered the importance or actually socializing. It's a strange thing admitting. I've been alive for 15 years and i've only just figured out the point of life. Granted i must have known at some point previous. Though not consiously admitted it. Also that others may not ever come to this conclusion. Anyways back to the point. I haven't been posting because life can't be written down in a series of entries because none of them do them justice. I've been typing away my life but honestly not really saying anything at all. And i spend so much time writing about the past that i haven't been living the present. On top of that I've just come to know that some experiences are better left to ones self. And other's no one really cares about. I could tell you about every little moment in my life that come a month later I won't even recall. Or i could just inform you of the important information and actually be saying something worthwhile.

This said i have been living life, I've been hanging out with friends and not just on the internet and i can't even begin to touch those concepts here..... the experiences can't properly be put into words. I could type for hours and meet no end because if a picture is a thousand words than an experience is uncountable.

In this realisation I've been participating in more and more things so as to enjoy the most that i can in the time i have. I've been going to assemblies and laughing with friends, joining clubs and having a blast in them, i've been trying to effect peoples lives. I think i'm actually doing that now.

The whole point i began writing besides the love of it was so that i could change something in someones life. so that i can effect people no matter how small the alteration. And lately i've been able to do that without having to stay cooped up constantly. November may be nanowrimo but I've only writ 5000 words. i may be 45 000 short but i dont really care because instead of styaing home writing something that really doesn't have to be written right away (my short stories) i've been out celebrating with friends. I've been going to sens games with brendan, the book store with ian, the harry potter marathons and movie openings with sarah and shopping for weird costumes with pickles. I've doodled the dark mark on my wrist, pet the monster book of monsters, and discussed with some random guy on the street about how he got this scar on his arm when he was thriteen (it vaguely ressembles the dark mark but is on the right side of his arm). I've been connecting to a community I've never been able to before and its made me clear on so much.

I feel ashamed that at one point i tried to conform myself to fit standards that were not my own. Now that I'm geeking out and jsut being me I feel so much less stressed out and so more more relaxed. I'm swimming with people i would usually never hang out with and thne i'm going ot book clubs with others i might not usually talk to, and yet balancing with my band friends and my fellows nerdfighters. Because as long as i'm completely myself i have something in common with all of them and so we get along.

I used to classify people into groups, groups that i have now realized are completely innacurate. Yes there may still be sheep and conformatists, but then there are the people that are just honestly who they are. And then there are the people I've classed wrong because i never bother venturing out and getting to know them. People can't be set in groups because though they may act some way they aren't necessarily always like that, they may just be showing one side of their personna. People are more than 3 dimensional, they're facetted and i don't even think that psychologistscan properly judge a person. because a psychologist is a person too and thus blinded by their humanity.

So maybe some of you find this post to be one of my worst because i'm not telling you about an event but instead an outlook of my thoughts. That's okay, because I'm happy and for the first time i don't want to think about the past or the future i just want to live in the now.
J.

The Schwa

Time apart trully makes one realise the preciousness of one thing. For instance my friend Athina. It seems that now we rarely see each other and it's sad. And sometimes i begin to think that maybe we weren't that great friends after all. However when we do get together i'm reminded why it's so awesome to be friends with her, and im reminded of why i miss her so greatly.

Yes i was pleased to be able to see her again today and i was reminded just how much i miss when we could see each other on the daily basis. I love her so much. It's hard to explain. It isn't just that we're very close friends. We are in every way soul twins. I can't wait until i see her again. It's thrilling to hang out again. By the end of the night we were completely in sync again especially with our Telepathetic powers.

But its still not enough time. We don't see each other for months at a time, and very rarely alone and then we only have a few hours to talk. In Dance cases we don't even have that... But i'm not posting to complain. I'm in a very good mood and i just can't wait to see whats next in store for me.

I've also sent a letter to Athina indicating that we should send them the old fashion way. 1. bcause the best literature is on paper, 2. it can be completely unexpected and cheer up your whole week 3. theres something poetic about it and 4. With athina and I it just the only way to go.

Other than that Ive gotten twitter.
now before you all rip my head off for the ubsurdity hear me through. In english class we were assigned a project. It was that we were assigned a character in Romeo and Juliet and we had to make twitter acounts posting as them. I was assigned Romeo. It's actually a lot of fun, even if it is twitter. I actually think i might continue it afterwards oncce in a while about like his life after death. Set in a fantasy world sort of parrallel to that in Midsummer's night Dream. Check it out if you want www.twitter.com/romeoincognito BTW isn't that the best user name ever?! Romeo In Cognito. that is just poeticaly perfect.

It's snowing today and for some odd reason im not that upset about it. then again Its not yet 40 degres after 4 months of freezing and i have to walk home in the dark and 3 PM. But for the instant it seems sort of in place. Like a calm blanket is convering the world. Protecting everything and whipping the slate so that new life can come again. And that's sort of what i feel like right now. Like its time for a new chapter in my life. One that is much more happy.

Oh. i finished my book. Not editing of course but soon. Hopefully by christmas. Though school is my first priority.

Jen

time planning

Okay with school suddenly giong into hyperspeed... though i already thought it was near light, i've found that i need to better use my time... I've actually since realizing this come to notice just how much time I've wasted in the past. So my halloween resolution is to figure out ways to keep my time more organized. First off I'm going to just plan these next few days so that I can be certain all these deadlines are met. Also I want to find a time of the day that is solely for my book. that way i actually can have my novel on the physical plaine.

though i have once again forgotten my laptop with my english poject at home i have managed to finisht the script and screen plan in these two classes. So at least i've accomplished something!

Actually i just spent the majority of this class helping tara finish her filming so yays another accomplishment. i also just realized that monday is a PD day so i dont have any classes that will certianly help with time catching ups... it seems that Im not as behind as i thought after all. i may in fact even finish my book if im lucky.

I have band after school today so i dont think ill be able to finish this post. so0 until later.

Jen

killing people doesn't make them like you.... it just makes them DEAD!

welcome to the funny fair where life is perfect all the time and nothing is what it seems because seemingly, we've lost our minds. DANGER DANGER!!

Can't you tell im in a mood? ah but often time enough the most interesting posts come when one is in that such mood.... See i'm sitting in english class right now... third period in the dreary school surroundings... that just so happen have otherwise created a great day. However it is now that my mind seems to escape these bruly grey walls that encase my body and demand my attention. Though my sould will NOT go down!

We're supposed to be editing our videos for the media project i told you about. Only i forgot that we were editing today so i left all the film at home aswell as my laptop. Besides that project i have nothing to do so im left with a computer and my thoughts.... oh dear how they underestimate me!!! hahahaha. Honestly though my brain shut off quite a while ago, no matter i continue on with my ranting and ravings... Its more fun this way.

Over the werkend i discovered the phenomenon of the century, something totally awesome. Something magical. If you haven't caught on to the many hints ive left through out the post so far. This was: A very potter musical and a Very potter sequel. I laughed and laughed and laughed. spending the entire weekend with a pillow shover to my chest to try to snuff out the chreicking of hilarity, or rolling on my floor attempting not to pee myself. I've fallen in love with hermione granger, the girl that is malfoy, the zach efron loving dumbledore, and harry, oh the every dumb harry, and the ron who never stops eating. Also the captain hook that is snape and all the other remarkably wonderful characters. Most of all though i applaud Prof. Quarrel and voldemort. (who spoke the wuote that is the title) These two actors kept me on my toes awaiting the next witty remark and wonderful experessions of awesome. Whoever said that evil can't love and look hot clearly has never met this version of voldemort who honestly... just wants to dance. And between his bromance with quarrel and his plans to take over the world he chose his love for the man that supported him through all those tough years. I wasn't sure if i was meant to laugh or to cry at their touching duet titled "you and me".

I've also made plans for a full harry potter marathon with sarah on the 12th of nov. followed the next weekend by a trip to the theatre to watch the 7th, part I. I can't wait!!! i absolutely can't!!

Also this weekend at sarahs on friday we watched the latest episode of supernatural which was encredibly dissapointing... though perfectly terrifying in the traditional supernatural way! it was named two and a half men which adde to the joke that dean has become a baby daddy.... see the entire event the episode revolves around is killer transforming babies!!!! i know scary... i really dont think that woung children and scary/horror should mix.... its just sooo wrong and violent. Usually.

But no matter we watched and we THOUGHT AT EACH OTHER!! you'd laugh if you saw it! And most of all we cowered every time a baby was brought into the shot sure that at any moment the baby would turn into a flesh eating monster that will attempt tp eat our beloved characters' face off!!!! GAHA

I await next friday in which the episode brings back the ever elusive castiel!! YAYS CAS!! And i can't seem to figure out when they'll bring chuck back now that (as the watcher) we are pretty certain he is God. :P making an incredible character completely beyond belief cool. Ha prophet i dont think so he's tooo kick ass!!!!

ohhhhh my goood CHUCK!!! i dont really know what else to add..... I'm honestly just really bored now.... OH i have soemthing i could talk about. I've decided that i haven't been keeping good enough touch with a lot of my old friends so im reviving the dying art that is letter writing.... no typing it up and printing... oh no, it will be written by hand and hopefull they will do the same so that we can have at one oint a plathora of letters back and forth. With electronics these days we've really lost touch with the individuality that honest writing used to have. I want to bring that back, not only just to keep ourselves in one anothers life but also to be aware of how sometimes you just have to sit down and really use the physicality to make something trully personal... For instance; True literature can only really exist on the physical plaine.

Tata for now.
Jen

How i became a real person

Today, i got my papers declaring that i am now indeed my own individual. which rocks. but the adventure in getting them involved a lot of waiting.... i mean a lot. they say the patient are rewarded. all i got was wet.

So as i am about to inform you (if you dont already know) we are hours away from hitting the ottawa record for the most rain since 1942. Mom picked me up during 3rd period and we went to licoln fields mall to get our papers. it started out not too bad, we got misted, but apart we were relitively dry. We waited in line for nearly an hour, then had to wait to get the papers and even then it was an extremely lengthy proccess. After sarching that mall up and down we realised that the oc transpo place wasn't there. Though we did find a really cool cheap dress place that i WILL be going back to. We than looked in more malls desperate to find the oc transpo place. Finally (after several explinations that its at licoln fields satation, mom decides to ask the star bucks employee, and he instructed us to GO TO LICOLN FIELDS STATION! We then walked all the way to the station. By this point my old shoes are sopping wet and i feel liek a drowned rat. Only once arriving we found out that we were going to have to wait for nearly 2 hours because there was a line for several meters out the door. now nearing 4.30 we wait in like next to this guy and his cousin, they turned out to be a lot of fun to talk to so it wasn't that bad. Finally I got my picture taken though it wasn't really that great. and we walked back to the car. By this point i have given up on staying dry and if weren't for tap tap i would have died from boredom. So that is how i became a person, albeit a wet one. (procceeding my return home i went straight to the bath and soaked) Oh well i did get teriaki, so that's good.

Besides that the only thing relitively new with me is that i was elected grade 9/10 concert band representative in the music council, and i've gotten two very interesting projects. The first is in history. I have to make a file folder (like a medic) about a soldier in the first world war (based on a real canadian soldier's file at that time) and describe all of the ailements and how to treat them.
The second is an english media project. We had to pick our favourite poems and create a video about them. I decided to use leisure (the first poem incuded in my last post) and the video should be wuite fascinating, if it turns ou thte way im imagining it in my head. I might post it. depending how it turns out.

Jen.

Poems about life and death

Leisure by: william henry davies
What is this life if, full of care,
we have no time to stand and stare.
No time to stand beneath the boughs,
and stare as long as sheep or cows.
No time to see, when woods we pass,
where squirrels hide their nuts in grass.
No time to see, in broad daylight,
streams full of stars, like skies at night.
No time to turn at Beauty's glance,
and watch her feet, how they can dance.
No time to wait till her mouth can
enrich that smile he eyes began.
A poor life this is, full of care,
we have no time to stand and stare.

the depths this poem reaches, the reality that it brings us is the truth. life is so glorious, so beautiful, and yet by caring about life me miss out on it. Our heads are so filled with idealistic worries and complaints that we forget to see the good parts. We ignore whats right in front of our faces and in doing that we loose the oppertunity to be trully happy. Therefore by wasting energyworrying about happiness we loose it. Ironic how most of us just pass life by without realy living. We're all so scared of death but most of us are already there. If you aren't living life then what are you? Sometimes we must all just take the time to enjoy life and its wonders. We must all stop and stare because if we don't then our lives aren't really worth living. In today's society there's so much stress that we forget why we're stressing at all. We work to make a life happy and good, but then we work so much that we couldn't possibly arrive there. William Henry Davies had it right. And beauty should be personified because beauty is alive. It lives on inside all of us, we just have to look around with optimistic eyes. Though that may not be easy to do, it is necessary.

Emma i want you specifically to listen to this because i know that lately you've been feeling really low. We had to do poetry analysis for a media project in class and this really touched me and the severity of the true ringing of each word struck me like a bell. And i hope that it manages to reach you too because you have to start living again. You can't keep wollowing in "what ifs" or "whys" or "just maybes" because if you keep it up one day soon you'll wake up and just realized how much time you've wasted, how much of life you've missed, and you can never get those precious minutes back. I love you so much so i want you to read this all ver carefully twice, three times over minimum. But these messages go for anyone. you can all feel the sincerity in your hearts and your souls.

The balance between life and death are so fragile. We never know when our time will come, so we have to make the most of everything. My cat was very ill today, i feared for his life, and recently found out that one of my friends could have died this summer. People die every day. Car accidentals, freak collisions, fires, random events that none of us can control, whipe our loves ones from this earth. But we must all keep living because only then can they live on. They live on in our memories, and they live on through nature, but we have to live on because if we waste away more than one person will have died that day.

Peacefully,
Jen.

Grieve not by: mary frye
Do not stand at my grave and weep:
I am not there, I do not sleep.
I am a thousand winds that blow.
I am the softly falling snow.
I am the gentle showers of rain.
I am the fields of ripening grain.
I amhe morning hush.
I am the graceful rush
of beautiful birds in circling flight.
I am the star shine of the night.
I am the flowers tat bloom.
I am in a quiet room.
I am the brids that sing.
I am in each lovely thing.
Do not stand at my grave and cry`:
I am not there. I did not die.

Forcibly forced to post.

Dear readers, i've been forcibly demanded that i post by my dearest friend emma, so here it goes:
to be honest i don't have all that much to account. I've decided i want to start blogging more, but without copy and paste i find that difficult because i have to spell check and because most of the time i just don't have internet. But hey I plan on at least giving it a try.

So i promised myself that I'm going to finish writing the final copy of my book by the end of the month (week preferably) because ever since school started i've been too busy to go to work let alone write. So everything's just gone on the back burning, at least all that i can't bring to school. My "free time" between classes and during lunch i usually spend writing my short story, which im sorry i can't tell you about at all. So if i finally finish writing i can edit in those times instead. I only have 2 scenes to go, so it shouldn't be too difficult. But i relaized that if i don't do it now i never will because if schools busy now, i can't imagine what it'll be like later on.
As for school, its been busy as every only now i've also started band, jazz, choir, diversity club, and tutoring. So by the time i get home im so burnt out i just want to eat and sleep. I haven't even had time to READ in the past 3 weels, which is saying a significant amount considering who your reading about.
I've fallen in love with history, even though its in french and my first period class. High school history is nothing like elementary crap. Those teachers are forced into it because they are homeroom teachers. In high school it isn't like that because the teachers actually liek the subject so they teach it in a much more interesting manner. I'm actually considering taking world history next year instead of french... i probably will if i can ask mr rogers.
In math i'm sitting at the "smart person" table and have unanimously been elected leader though i can't imagine why(S*). I'm acctually partially teaching the class in partnership with mr czudner. Not quite, but pretty damn close. I'm tutoring people at my table too so usually i don't do my own work... or what i do do makes me so bored out of my mind i wonder why im in this class at all... and the resonse of course is, because i can't skip a grade and do the harder courses. what poo. but thats what you get for being the eternal seniors at the highschool.
In english we're doing poetry and its actually incredible. i'm totally kicking ass though once more im not that surprised. Though i have realized i don't really enjoy paraphrasing in analysis.
Finally music. I've actually improved conserderably and the class has turned out incredibly hilarious. With everyone in grade 10 music shoved into one class its like putting all the best friends and clans of geeks together... hence MASSIVE party. And we actually sound really good. And we ended up scaring the shit out of the grade 9's because well first we made them think they were crazy by doing all sorts of weird things at cue's they never could figure out, and then when they asked us about it we proceeded with a "what do you mean, i have no idea what you're talking about" mood. and then we showed them the difficulty of the music. Which for us is actually considerably easier than what we're playing in class.
Apart from school and my novel i don't have much to say. that has pretty much taken over my life. My mom bought herself a laptop, i need new headphones preferably skull candy ones, and i went to see easy A with Cori and Sarah. OH and sarah i have discovered has the most incredible stuffed animal collection. Including a perry the platypus that makes platypi sounds and an owl that screeches and is complete with a swiveling head.
OH and pickles got a harry potter music book for flute and whilst we were playing the hedwig theme we recieved a round of applause. and we felt sooo cool :P
Finally we got our yearbooks, only 4 months late, nonethe less they are awesome, though not hand drawn which dissapointed me, they are fanciful and well made.
Jen

hit by a bus and forced to do the delta theorem!

So turns out life moves pretty quickly if you let it...
remember when i disccussed how life was like highways and sometime there was heavy traffic and others you zoomed by at 400 miles an hour.... when i'm have the race of my life right now, or so it would seem.

Since last posting... which is shockingly a lot farther back then i remember, i have camped with gramama for 2 weeks, rode 20 miles a day, went swimming, hung out with erin, got attemptedly converted to jehova witness, worked, worked, painted, worked, had dinner with duckman matt sue and jim like old times, got officially ditched by my ex best friend, participated in the charity weekend, solved family drama at our anual corn roast chez dominiques, and ummmm OH nearly finished my book. I am literally like 3 pages away from finishing... I'll probably finish saturday or sunday....
So busy.

OH not to mention school.
So i went on the first to pick out my locker, turns out i actually got the ideal one. third from the close end in the main hall (opposed to last year's last on the far end of the never-to-be-used hall.) And i'm surrounded by my school friends.
Then on the first day of school i started my oh so "wonderful" grade ten year.
My classes follow as such:
1. History (in french) with Mme Lelou (-.-)
2. Math with mr czudner (awesome)
3. English with Mrs Mendham (awesome)
4. music with mrs godrey (meh)
And everything's been extremely busy. It's been constant work, ive been going to bed at like 9 every night even though i usually go to bed at 11, just because i'm so tired, and i haven't had time to do anything since classes have started. I have gone to school, worked, come home, worked, and eaten and slept. and repeat. honest to god. The only like i did anything out of pattern was today when it was gone to school, worked, gone to dentist, writhed in pain, gone to orthodontist, writhed in more pain, gone home, writhed in pain, slept. frig skip the fucking eating :P its do PHYSICALLY possible at this point.
How on earth i'm going to play flute tomorrow i have no idea seeing how i can barely move my mouth let alone actually make the proper ombersure. I have a feeling that my participation in class disscussions tomorrow is going to be extremely slim.

I have more to say but to be honest, I'm too tired. This is the first week of school and already i feel like i've been hit by a bus and then forced to do the delta therum. and i'm good at math!

Jen

PS I redyed my hair so now its epic! electric blue for the win!

OH! short note, i forgot to mention my mom cancelled, so we didnt in fact go to the cottage,, much to my dismay. Also i forgot to mention in the last post the rest of the trip with emma.

When i first got there we headed, with her family, to the park to play soft ball. and you've by now realized my detestation of all things sport, so i kind of failed miserably. Though i did manage to hit the ball a few times, so i thank mrs adams from preventing my total humiliation. It was actually sort of fun though. Then emma kicked one of the soft balls and spreigned her foot.... we then walked to her house and i got changed ( because i was never in formed that we were actually going to be the ones PLAYING i hadnt worn proper attire). then we went back this time with our writings. We then sat in the grass somewhat watching the game but mostly writing.

Then when we returned we watched early degrassi episodes (I've finally caught 100% up WOOT) and I read a bit of Vampire academy (which i ended up finishing in like an hour). Then we had our chocolate chip hunt. baked the cookies and slept.

The next day we walked to emma's work and i was surprised. it wasn't at all what i expected. First we did some tag removing in a dark closet. Then we did envelopping, which was actually unexpectantly long. We basically did that the rest of the day. for a while we went and had lunch, then we went upstairs for emma's doctors apointment ( because of her foot injury). It was interesting. Also there was a huge rain storm (AGAIN)) so my mom picked me up. it was a lot of fun though and was probably worth the sore arm i had the next day. I missed emma a lot so it was great that we could hang out again.

Other news. Yesturday i went to Linda's to visit my cousins one last time. Then i had to say bye for another year to Cynthia, Maeve, Quinn, and Ila May. It was great to see them though.

So i head off to gramama's for our camping trip today, so i have barely any internet access for the next 2 weeks. So i probably won't blog till i get back, and then i have the charity weekend right after that.... jeesh summer's almost over. By the time i get back its the 23rd. which is ethan and i's 2 month aniversary (is that an aniversary? or just a mark?) ... then i have the mars watch on the 27th, and then i have styks high due in the 31st and then i have to pick my locker the first and then its school. wow...
Time flies,
Jen

The Hurricane

Hurricane in ottawa, and we were in it. We biked for hours in the cold and the wet, we slid, we fell, we were attacked. We trecked accross parking lots, deserts, tundras and forests, store after store we searched. We cried, we laughed, we continued on. Pushing boundries in roaring winds, hail, and storms. We walked until we bled, and finally; we got our chocolate chips!


Okay so maybe i exagerated a little, but it would make an interesting story. Back to reality, I'll tell you the real story.

I was over at emma's celebrating my release from house arrest. When she says "i feel like making cookies." I replied with "mmmmm chocolate chip..." As we are exiting the kitchen to find a recipe her sister Kera asks " does anyone have money to buy chocolate chips with. i feel liek cookies". After the initial hysterical laughter, we went on a money hunt and managed to get enough together.
As kera goes on a search for a recipe in her Foods book, Emma and I look online. Soon enough we discovered the perfect recipe. and Emma and I prepare to get the chocolate chips. One thing we forgot to take in account was 1. that it was raining like crazy, and 2. its a holiday so the stores would be closed.

I didn't have a bike due to the distance, i took the bus, so now we had to bike to the store. I took emma's bike and she her sisters. She kept falling because it was too big, and i was having issues because its too big. Then We came to the realisation that emma doesnt really know her right and left. After a while we switched bikes. and kera's bike hated me. i mean im pretty sure it was trying to murder me. It ripped all the skin off one of my shins and killed like crazy.

So now we are soaked and cold and my hairs poofing like the sixties are back. We go to store after store. adter store. back and forth. Farmboy toblockbusters to on the go to pharmaplus etc etc. So then we tied the bikes up and farmboy and conttinued on. looking and looking. Finally we realized that metro is open. We ran over and finally found our chocolate chips!!! We then returned to the bikes (which i got attacked from because they jumped out and broke my knees, not really but ouch) and then we biked home.

WE then made incredibly delicious cookies and enjoyed the rest of the night... that is after we cleaned our wounds :P

Jen

PS: Mars watch this month. its the closest its gotten in 60,000 years!!! august 27th it should appear the size of the moon!

released from the cage.

This will be a somewhat short post. I'm heading off to the cottage today, can't wait. I love summer so much, mostly because of the cottage, and since we sold ours 3 years ago we've been heading up to the lake less and less. This year we wouldnt have gone at all because we reccently sold my grandmothers' cottage as well. But due to my encounter with my coiusins Laura and Kelly they invited me over for the big bash at the lake this weekend. Of course i had to bug my mom until she agreed it might be fun even if we will have to stay in a tent. Rick and chris will also be up and they're practically family. I just can't wait :P I can finally forget that i'm on house arrest. And what a way to celebrate my release than a party au chalet.
Okay so my explination of why this post was going to be short ended up being the entire post.... oh well.

Jen.

Ps i've been really addicted lately to soaps, like Gossip Girl, and digrassi. i know they're awful, but once you start watching them you fall right into it, and you're always like "i hope this happens" "NO don't be stupid" "FINALLY someone made a good descision" because though you know that its all scripted to cause problems you still want the characters to do what you'd do, even if later you realised that had you been in that scenario you probably would have done the same thing. So basically i guess the show entices people to be hypocrites. It's still fun though so i'll let myself be judgemental just this once (S*).*

* The symbol for sarcasm in writen works (S*).

PPS i've decided that im going to work on my posture more because since wattching gossip girl i noticed that all the elite girls had perfect posture. And im not doing that to seem elite PLEASE, im doing it because then in reality you see people slouching and it just looks so much better when they have good posture. Besides, its better for your back.

Broken Dish Theorem

Beauty is in the eye of the beholder and it may be necessary from time to time to give a stupid or missinformed beholder a black eye. - Miss Piggy.

I share this quote to you for 2 reasons.
Firstly my quote of the day is by miss piggy! how awesome is that??!
Secondly the first part of that quote is actually somewhat relevant to my discussion topic of the day.

(i sound so fancy when i say discussion topic of the day, the reality im really thinking something more along the lines of "this is what im going to be complaining about for the next few paragraphs, good luck and feel free to add your complaints in the comments " :P)]

Okay so 2 things of importance to talk about, I'll begin with the part actually relevant to the quote.

Beauty lies in the eye of its beholder. I don't know who said it, but damn did they ever have it right. Our perception of people dependsd solely of what we think of them at the time. Someone who is usually your best friend can drive you up the wall just on your mood set. Though it is rare that i get angry at my friends because i believe i have better things to be mad at then the people who care about me. So anyways it has come to my attention the very length your mind will go to disguise someone to your liking. Tricking yourself into thinking they're better than that. Now it may not be just my own brain because (for instance jordan) sometimes when you're going out they seem nice and sweet because they too care, then once things take a turn for the worst its all madusa heads and charmiron attacks. Not only that though, but your mind will block out the annoying traits of that person until someone else brings them to your attention (which i call the broken plate theory, because its like your plate version of that person was just shattered by the relevation that they are no longer perfect). Which is essentially what, naturally, we are trying to prove. On the anthropological state we are run by instinct, and part of that instinct is to find a healthy strong, essentially perfect mate. It's a primal accord that is programmed into our brains since homosapiens became a race.

With the broken dish theory in mind, I keep wondering what Ethan's faults are. Currently i can't find any because i am pre-shattering faze, but soon enough they will be brought to my attention, and im just pondering what they could be. It cannot be the way he speaks because i love his voice, and the way that he lilts his vowels and rolls his G's. Nor his clumsiness because i adore the way he's lanky without being scraggly and thin, he still has pressence. I digress, i can't find his fault, i suppose that's why its the Pre-shattered faze.

I miss ethan. I do. And i can't wait for him to get back. I majorly need a boyfriend hug right now because though i love you emmie, you dont cut it. sorry. He's probably having so much fun. I'm sort of jealous. He'll come back with lots of stories to tell. He got to travel see new things. The only thing i did was go to niagra, with is liek 5 hours away, and well, was a trip i detested. I suppose that's what you get for staying with your kin....

I can't remember my second topic anymore.... i know it had something to do with Tv shows and how it seems that now when you dont watch TV for a week it takes 2 full days to catch up. That may be just me but.....
If i end up remembering ill add it to a further post.
Jen.

The inevitable.

A few weeks ago when i last posted the largest thing on my mind was my trip. Now i just can't seem to remember its importance. That's the thing about memories and concepts, even opinions. Sometimes something seems like the biggest thing in the world and then once something bigger comes along you can't even seem to remeber why you cared. This has been my most recent revelation. Though i suppose most others' have realized it somewhat before it still intrigues me. Just how ones perception of a memory can alter through time, and you forget details of events that seemed life shattering before hand. However it's only natural. It is part of the human way to live and forget and to change to ones new views. No matter how frightnening the emotions fade, and then we repeat our mistakes, because we have forgotten the consequences. It is said tht History repeats itself because we don't learn from our mistakes. I dissagree. I believe history repeats itself because we keep forgetting the reason behind that set message. We keep forgetting the minor details. we forget certain things, like the sorrow and the suffering, and then though we learnt that lesson, we forgot why it was relevant. Its not that we can't learn from our mistakes, its that we often forget why we had to learnt them in the first place.

Recently i've had to make a huge descition. one that probably will effect the rest of my life. I can only hope that it was the right one because i fear there is no going back. I know that in 20, 30, 40 years from now, im going to look back on this descition and see just how much it changed who i became. Changed the descisions i will make in my future, for better or for worse.

Not too long ago I went through a lot of tough times at home. That is what ispired me to begin blogging. What happened was very repetitional. My mom would get angry, send me to my dads, then i would become his source of anxiety release, and he would scream and me and throw tantrums, and drink, and get more angry, and then get sad, and then blame every bad mistake made in his life on me. Then he too would kick me out. or vice versa. then i would go to Leah's, and jim and sure would take care of me, until one day when my mom decided she wanted me back. I always told myself that i would never go back, that this was the final straw but the moment i had a chance i would jump right back into her arms. This lead to many years of depression and self loathing. then for a while it got really great. My parents and i rarely fought, and though my dad still rants uncontralably and brings my moral down sinificantly he rarely throws tatrums. And as i matured, i got better at dealing with these set problems. I joined yoga, and i found wicca. I descovered myself, lost that blanket of insecurity, got new friends and discovered my passion for reading and writing. However i forgot why i learnt to calm myself. I forgot why i never get angry anymore, i forgot why i suppress my emotions, and i forgot to do so. Thus my mom one day snapped. Out of nowhere we were fighting again. so much so worse than before. Because i forgot to not talk, because i forgot that with my parents i dont have an opinion, i forgot that i never argue no matter how much i want to.

Friday the 16th my mother threw me out. Again.
I went to my father's and it was dark and cold and empty because he wasn't home, like usual. I missed my friends, and Ethan, and i cried a lot. And i told myself that i wouldn't go home. I wouldnt, and i couldnt live at my fathers' because there he always ignores me and i become a non existant ghost, wafting through life, forgetting its meaning. I dont live when im there. So i would ask Sue and Jim, my figurative adoptive parents if we could stop pretending. I was tired, so tired that i decided i would ask them if they could adopt me. I had made up my mind. Come monday morning i would pack up all my stuff and move out for good. I was tired of the un necessary bullshit. That's why i hate drama so much, why make problems when there arent any? Problems aren't fun, they only lead to sadness. My mom daunting as always decided to give another "'last chance" and for a while i said no. All the while wishing for my mom to just leave me alone because i final realized she must hate me, thats the only explination for all these arguments, for all this supression. And i honestly told her, i told her, this is my last time. I was done. Had she stopped calling right there i probably would have gone to move in with Jim and Sue. I wanted to so badly. They always make me feel special and loved, and they make me proud, and they always encourage my accomplishments and are honestly interested in what i am, im not just a nuiscance to them. God they care about me and i love them for it. They really are my extra parents, and im lucky to have them. But my mom was stuborn as always,, and she persisted and persisted. She wouldnt stop calling and i almost just let the phone ring. But then she came over. and she sat there are talked to me up the staircase and said how sorry she was. Lot that did me. So i ended up caving. and you know it wasn't that i'd miss my mother, or that i'd miss my dad, not even close. I felt selfish with the thoughts that passed through my mind, but how could i help it, my parents really dont care about me. So all i could think was my room, god im going to miss that, it was like my little piece of paradise, and i'd hate to leave it. and my bed, i love my bed. and my furniture, i worked so hard and making everyhting perfect for me. And now it would all be gone and i'd have to put up with Leah's room. because it would never me mine. It would always be hers. I'd never really have a space again until i moved on my own. So i missed my stuff. how superficial. But what really made my descision, my descision to finally come back was my sister. i felt so guilty leaving her with them. I know that it sounds all sweet, but it really isnt, she's their angel and she could do no wrong. I guess if i left they might start noticing some of her faults... i dunno i just wanted to keep her from that critisism as much as possible. Because shes the age now, that i was when my parents started to really hate me. or atleast to show it. I didn't want that to happen to her. atleast not yet. She doesn't learn as fast as i do, she might get herself in worse trouble than i did.
So in the end i went back and i've been on house arrest ever since. No computer, no phone, no friends, no outings, nothing. i missed a backstage concert at bluesfest, parties like crazy, and sleepovers with friends. and i only realized how much i missed today when i finally got to talk to people again. I missed so much that i've just spent the entire day trying to catch up. I'm still not.

But don't think that it was the fact that i missed 2 weeks of my grade 9 summer that made this change the rest of my life. No, I'm not that naive, though im a teenager. No. This changed my life because now, now it's starting again. I've realised that i like having an opiniion. I basically spent the entire 2 weeks at work because i didnt have naything else to do. And there i could finally let go, and when i had a difference of opinion i didn't have to keep it in, i could let it out. and instead of yelling we'd have a calm debate about it. Arguments dont give me anything as per "youre wring im right" i just dont see that way, Jim and Sue get that, and with a debate you can process the thoughts clearly, and often times enough i do realise that i in fact am wrong. Im obviously not perfect and i dont think i do. But with that i have a feeling that next time i get kicked out, and it is when not if, im probably not coming back. I think i may discuss this with Jim and Sue but, i dont think i can keep myself a statue anymore...... Am i a bad person that i dont think i'd miss my parents at all? I guess its just time to wait i guess because really now that we're arguing again.... it is inevitable.