Im me and stop complaining

Sybl here,
my ife is all topsy tervsy and so much is going on, jut when i think things are starting to streighten out everything gets all mashed up again.... this will basically be me just trying to understand whats going on in my own life. You might not be able to understand or follow for that matter but humor me. maybe youll get a few extra brain cells in the process.
Okay well i felt like things were falling into place nicely. I felt happy, complete, confident and loved. But then of course reality had to go and ring a wake up bell! So I felt pretty and smart and unique and for once in my life like I actually belonged somewhere. I liked three guys i tried to talked to one of them and got cowed into silence so i moved on to Justin, i tried asking him out but he just blocked me and then I realized that I liked Kiranen. Now I still haven't donw anything about that though Emma has agreed to play nice. I pln on doing something about that this week, and stuf, but this weekend I went to leah's house and I saw a picture of Justin and I remembered why I like him :S now im all confused cause I feel like email Justin and saying to just forget it and unblock me cause it was a spurr of the moment thing, but I dont want to lie! I agreed to full truthfulness... So now Im lost inside. I might just sit on the justin thing and see how things go with kiranen, who knows he might say no, or just do lik every other guy Ive ever asked out, not answer and just avoid the subject completly or just me. I dont think thatll happen though because Kiranen isnt like those guys, hes not some ass hole guy thatll say no just becaus e youre not popular, now justin shouldnt fit that citeria at all but some how he manages to pull it off. ugh. now there is so much racing through my mind !
Also Emma brought up the subject of not fitting in and having an other sybling that is the favourite and how they always got all the attention, so that brought up lots of old feelings, that would have been better forgotten, Im going to try to keep my upbeat atitude though because all week I felt pretty and secure because I was happy. I felt like If i walked past a guy he better stare cause I was IT. I felt the part of Queen, but now I portray it too. I listened to happy music ( well as happy as i get )and I skipped. I felt like a happy teenage girl like Im supposed to. Without all the responsibility of an adult and stuff. I mean like Ive always been really amature because I had to, but I never got to feel young and happy, I tasted some of that this week And I REFUSE to loose that. Ill do whatever it takes, to keep balence. Ill still go to work, cause I saw what I was missing and nowI feel sad because my jobs fun, and I felt what its like to be happy and a kid so Im trying to find a middle ground, and I can be a kid at work because my job isnt too hard, I mean now Ill just be packing and unpacking clothes because we are starting our tour. Im going to make this work, you know what and Im going to ask Kiranen out because HE cares, and hes sweet and funny and when Im around him I feel happy, and thats what matters. You know I always say thjat when Life getss low, make the best out of it, well I am. My life sucks, but Ive learnt how to balance with one hand and its time to be happy too. Its my time to shine and I wont let some ....... problems stand in my way, I wont stand it. Im going to be a grade 9 next year , at a new high school yet to be named, a new slate, clean and fresh but ill still be able to keep all my friends and so on, but be able to work on my future as well. I am finally makng something of myself. AND this summer I plan to use every given moment to write my book and I plan to finish by the end of the summer so I can get it published by my 15th birthday. that is my goal, happy succesful, upbeat, and organized as well as mature and creative. I want to be ME.
From the wonders of my mind,
GothGirl xox