rants

What do you do when you're caught between the place you want to be and the place you really are? How do you get there? What do you change? What needs to be given up? I'm at a huge cross road in my life, and im not really sure what to do. I have a feeling that soon my life is going to change a lot, probably because of one of my decitions. There are a few crossroads that make this particular dicition up actually. Three large issues in my life.... some i can deal with, some take work, and some are up to fate. Well, seeing how there are only three options i should be saying, one can be dealt with, one takes work and one is up to fate... however this doesn't hold the same ring.

Three delema's several options.... I'm going to try to work them out here, by a particularly long rant that may or may not solve any of my problems. I have a feeling that this will atleast somewhat help my case... First lets get my possition out there first, I'm sick, cold again, I'm tired, and hungry, and personally not have a good day. Also, I'm extremly worried, and stressed due to these problems. So tonight is the night that things change... I'm sitting on my big queen sized bed, under my windowsill starring up into the moonlight. From here i hope to draw up strength from Artemis, Wisdom from Athena, and Individuality from Nyx.

Dilema #1: Deal with it

Justin.... well to be frank he's been my problem for a while now, and I think i knew that. However the solution to this problem isn't necessarily as easy to find.

Lately let's just say that not all has been well. To be honest with you all it hasn't been going well since DEcember 18.... i can recall the last day because it was the day before he went to Arizona with his family.... When he left he was sweet and caring, promised he'd call me all the chances he got. emails, whatever and the two weeks would fly by like nothing... however it sometimes feels like he never really came back at all. The justin i knew and loved, deffinatly never did. Ask anyone, he's not the same. Not really.

So after returning without any wort of communication he didn't even tell me he was home. I actually found out he was back from Leah... who he hates. Ask me why again Leah knew he was back before i did, because all i can say is i really don't know. Now from this point it only got worse. He started being very mean and angry towards me all the time. We rarely had conversations anymore and when we did they always ended in fighting. I chocked it up to exam stress and then we'd be back to normal once they were over with. This didn't happen. After exams we fought more and more, then he just staarted ignoring me. Currently we talk maybe once a week. I miss him so much. I'm always trying to talk to him, and see him, he doesnt even try and even when we do see eachother, he's distant, or just plain out ignoring me. I still love him. So much. But i wish i knew what happened to the old justin.

The way I see it, I have a few options.

Option 1: File a missing persons report to Justins soul

Option 2: Try to talk to him and figure out what going on

Option 3: weigh it out and hope it gets better

or Ultimatly option 4: Tell him it's over.

I really REALLY do not want to take option 4, but for the past few weeks, I've been considering it.

Dilema #2: In need of major work

As for those who know me, you can all probably guess this is my about my book... This has been a huge part of my life lately, rarely having time for much else, and really trying to finish.... though i should probably not fling around lately... lets try past 6 months. LATELY i haven't actually been doing much work. I told myself I'd take a break for summatives and exams and be way back on track by this point... but that was a lot easier said than done. I'm finding it a hard time getting back to work... and now i think I'm ten chapters behind, minimum. I sometimes write parts on my ipod in class, only because there's nothing better to do, but after school I just don't want to. I'm always sitting around doing nothing and feeling quite unproductive... and yet i cannot seem to stop. It's extremly difficult to start back up something as tedious as writing when you could be reading or watching degrassi ( which i have to admit i am totally addicted to now). I love writing. But it isnt easy. I have the entire story, every scene planned in my head. For me, my books been done since octobre. Now I've moved on to planning the second and third, and another whole series... and then i think about all the work that will take and i completly lose hope. Or i snap back into the present and see how idiotic it is to start planning for the future when i cannot even finish the present. I'm having a tough time, and i want to get everything Styks over, at least for the year.

I know i have to finish this, i owe it to myself to be done. To be able to say, I've at 15 writen a book. now i can relaxe. but even at that, then theres revision, and then publishing. I'm probably not going to be done with styks for a long while, and that trully at the moment is making me a bit depressed. I don't want to spend every waking hour writing, what for me, is already finished. This has been my threee year project, and i just want it to be over. How do i get back on track. I can either give up every waking hour for at least the next week... thats the only option i can see... theres only 10 weeks left.

though it could take my mind away from my....

Dilema #3: Up to the fates

This truly should be a two part dilema, but lets just jam it into one for good measure.

This has to do with school... specifically my education, and my future. A lot could change here, and i don't really see if i can do anything about it. I've applied to merivale, the high school i insanely want to go to. I don't want to be caught in this flytrap called LDHSS any longer. I'm tired of beinglonely all the time. There is no one here that can match my intellectually state of mind, and frankly put im bored all the time. So i want to get out. so badly you have no idea. I've sent in my letter of transfer and i am praying to dear Goddess' that i get in. I am being retested for gifted... which i am nervous about because i haven't actually taken a writen gifted test and i have no clue what to expect... at all. What if i screw it up... i cant even study for this... again its up to fates.

Actually just because I'm insanely proud of my authory skillageI will share with you my letter that i might add i wrote and edited in one and a half hours time:

Sorry its a little hard to read but i was not re typing that entire thing out. stupid blogger for not having copy paste.
essientiatlly its awesome.

but now thers not much i can do except wait and hope. I can convince him more than this and if i dont get in im going to be insanely umbarable for the rest of the year. It won't be apocalyptic, but it will be one of the four horsemen. That is for sure.

Now for the second part.... still based on education and future... only a tad more far off than my next year school. I'm thinking long term what shall i be for the rest of my life. For a while i was thinking of dropping my childhood dream to write. But now i see that writing is just as difficult as anyother job, if not more because you CAN avoid it. and then theres the entire factor that not many writers actually make it out there. I also want to take psychology but that takes a lot of ears at university to even get close to good, and though i'm guarenteed to love it ( because i already study hibits of the human nature and absolutly love the fascination that is the human mind) i dont think i'd be able to make a career out of it. There still is the option to follow my path in the scientific field. this doesn't sound as alluring as it did when i was younger. But still an option. For now I've decided to take enough math science english and literature course so that i can decide later which i want to take, but this decition WILL have to be solved by the time high schools done, and you know me, i hate to procrastinate. It NEVER ends well.

For now I'm off.

This has been splendid, i;ve been in need of a good rant lately.

GG

PS i was completly appaulled at our closing ceremonies at the olympics. Encouraging the stereotypical canadian halts all progress to blocking out that all canadians are stupid uneducated crackpot treehuggers that ride mooses, have pet beavers, life in igloos, have walrus' in our driveways, and are still in the 18th century. not to mention the absurd love of hockey. I'm sorry but our lives do not revolve around pancakes, and maple syrup. If we promote this version of ourselves than how are we to expect others to treat us with any respect.

PPS stephen Harper i do not believe your scam. I'm sorry but taking 2 and a half months paid leave from the governement for no good reason except you wanted to go watch the olympics and take a vacation is rediculous. not only you though, the entire parlement offices. Basically everything about anything governemental has been at halt for the past 2 months... and the thing is, it hasnt even made a friken diffrent in the way our lives have been. that just goes to prove how useless it really is. We are paying, with our tax dollars, all their salaries to do nothing all day. That was clearly proved in the past few weeks, and then his speech about how they were considering changing our national anthem because its sexist. thats a load of bull and i hope all true canadians know and realise this. what he's doing is waving a red flag. looky here looky here, so we dont all fire his ass for being useless. I'm sorry but they need to get their act together, and quick, or soon they'll have a riot on their hands, and theyll loose.

PPPS i could sooooo win the waterloo rant contest. I would be guarenteed that scholarship. Im so good and talking about nothing, complaining and ranting that i could be Scout Finch in the flesh.... thats probably why i dont like her character shes so naggy... like me :P