in the moment

Thank god it's monday tomorrow, i don't think i could take any more of this. Now as most of you know i work my ass off, but i'm still a teenager so i mean there's only so much i can do withought needing me time. And i like being by myself a lot. I like it because then there's no one there telling me what to do and I can always think. Now at my dads it's almostt impossible to think cause the moment you do, or you mention anything, it gets turned into a fight that leads to me in tears. I don't deal with confrontation well. I'm trying. I am to keep myslef calm and collected, but im a teenage girl. do you know how many messed up hormones are racing through my system on the daily bases?? hmm? Well when someone starts yelling at me they all race to be the first one out, then i have like 9 diffrent things racing through my mind at once, so many things i feel, not even being able to reign them all in and then one thing will comeout. no matter what it is it's always the wrong one. but i can't keep everything in. i already keep so much inside that with all that added to it... well.
now those who are close to me may know what i'm talking about, may have guessed where this is coming from but for those who don't : I love my dad i really do but i just can't take it any more. He's always angry and grumpy and mean. no matter what you say or do it's never good enough and he expects more. But i'm doing my BEST! He's an adult which is like teenage years except with more responsibility and less resources. Well my dad picked all the wrong turns and now has no more resousrces. So then because he'shaving a hard time ( which i get ) he expects me to throw my life away in my free years to help him (which i don't get). I mean i work and work so that i can have a life and that i can live it diffrently. I DONT want to end up like my parents and i dont want kids cause that just adds to the responsibility and then im afraid i wont be good enough for them and then theyll end up like me now, trying to get something out by writing in a blog and confiding in my friends. I just cant have that happen. But I work, i make my own decisions and hope that they turn out for the better. I know in high school im almost never going to have time for myself because i REALLY need a scholarship. And i know that. I'm a think of the future person. I always have to think about whats going to happen next and how will this effect me. cause thats the exact oposite of what my parents did. i want to live in the moment. I really do, you'd be able to live everything that much more i mean to have no thought s on who that would effect and what would happen later or what otehr could i do, that would be amazing but i know that i can't do taht. I HAVE to think.
Now back to the point I work hard, and then because dad doesnt have a life, and that his is wrong, he expects me to be thhe mom of the house, and do everything that mom ( as a stay home mom) would have done but i one don't have the time and two have a life. I'm turning 14, my life is barely starting and im already stressed out thinking about the future and i have been for some time. and then i get ome do more work, go to work so that i can haev money to do suff sun, and then get yelled at cause im aparemntly not cleaning enough, or im not trying hard enough. and thats not fair. i know most peoples will say " Lifes not fair" but when i barely have a life, no it isnt. and then on my weekend, MY TIME! i have to miss my friends birthday party and stuff because i have to babysit my 10 year old sister, but she can make plans and leave me. I mean most of the time im babysitting andrea goes to a friends house or something and i still have to stay home because, and i quote " She might come home" then get me a cell phone and she can call me. BUT WAIT i dont have one. UGH!
TRying to live in the moment for a change,
GothGirl xox