Change Is the everpresent everaltering presence in all of our lives. Change is entirely enevitable. We become different people. Live different and new experiences. Speak new things, learn new information. Our views and thoughts are constantly running. Forward movement is necessary though not always wanted. However once we've changed it is impossible to return to our once former selves.
My life for one is changing considerable in the few months since i last posted. Little things such as what shows i watch to what grammar lessons ive learned that in ten years i won't able to recall. But also life forming things like course selections to build a foundation for my future career.
I feel I've grown considerably. Not in height but in character.
I've longed to post for some time now and was just unable to properly formulate the words to convey what i wish. But as i watch the King's Speech with my mom I can't help but think that if He, with a grave speech impediment, can find the words to run a country, then I can certainly blog.
As I've said before i don't wish to blather on about meaningless things but there have been recent events that I believe will greatly affect my life.
Upon research into careers I've come to realize that anthropology isn't a good match for me after all. I don't plan on completely removing it as an option however and do still plan to continue with the course. Forensic sceince is becoming increasingly appealing as are a few other jobs such as criminal psychiatrist.
I've had to choose my courses carefully as to not elimate any optional feilds that i may need in the approaching future. But having only 8 slots this proved to be a great challenge. Especially considering that i didn't want to create a grade 11 year for myself that i would foreseeable loathe. This balance is not easily found especially regarding all the science courses im taking.
In conclusion i have chosen to take Art, English, Writers Craft, Anthropology Sociology and Psychology, Physics, Chemistry, Functions, Law, and Biology (over the summer).
My friends have been changing aswell. Not just whom i hang out with but also how they as people have been changing. Because as i change those around me are changing also.
I fear that with all these changes I've been growing farther and farther away from my once dearest friends. It seems that i miss them less and feel less inclined to put them ahead of my other friends. I still love them. I still care about them and we still talk. But after months of seperation with little to no communication between. Life has ended up drifting away from us. As we have drifted apart. A few months ago i got together with the old gang and for the most part it was empty and awkward. We were different people and though we still shared comminalities they seemed stilted. We couldn't connect as well as say 2 years ago. This sadens me but i feel it can't be helped. Time is strange in this way...
But as friendships lessen others strengthen.
Pickles and Sarah, before close have now become Twins. We think so similarly now that sometimes we catch ourselves completing eachothers thoughts. This is especially true i feel with Sarah. Though we have our differences its strange how we can be so similar and up till now lead two lives so seperate from the other. Even teachers have begun to associate us together.
I've also drifted away from the lunch group though i never really felt a strong attatchement to them. One day the group that made me happy, just didnt. It was the shattered dish effect. I realized quickly that it wasn't trully these people with awful and twisted critical humor that made me happy but the connecction with people. ( So it would seem I'm a social butterfly after all). So it was at this point that my depression started to seep through the cracks of my life once more. No one else would realize it of course as i hid it very well.
But i felt it.
I found it increasingly difficult to laugh and smile. Their jokes weren't good anymore and only made me feel solitary and alone because no one seemed to share this sentiment. That is of course when i began my search for others, anyone else who shared these feelings. I had a small friendship with Pickles and Sarah, though this was mostly in class... however it soon evolved into a strong friendship that i could absolutely count on.
I realized this the day we all went to see deathly hallows. All dressed up as characters, with our wands in our back pockets and our spell books in hand. We stood outside for hours and the epiphany hit me. Not only was the despression nearly gone, but it was these people who have become such close friends that have done it.
Finally one last piece has effected my life emensly. Perhaps moreso than anything else. This is also the final piece to drag me out of my depression and back into the light of day. Literally, the very cold winter day. Derek White. A boy that I've been attending school with since primary. I've known him for what seems my whole life but until recently wasn't important to my life in anyway. He was the son of one of my moms friends, we played together in the sandbox in grade one, he was zach's friend.... now ex best friend. He didn't really have a place in my mind... Until early december.
It was early december that Derek joined the Twinness. Obviously there were steps in between but for some reason it moved so quickly. I think that its because of how perfectly he fit with us. Us only recently forming anyway. He played world of warcraft, he was a total nerdfighter, the best chess player in the school besides Mr Czudner himself, a doctor who fan, Harry potter fenatic, band geek, 5x5 rubix cube solver, and a now member of the Sitters-Of-The-Stairwell-C*.
Derek and I soon became even closer than twin ness. He's handsome and intelligent and funny, we have so much in common and just enough different so that its interesting. We have perfect simitry, how could i help liking him? So we began to hang out more and more. Talk intensively for long periods of time. We had a doctor who marathon that lasted an entire day. This was until the 28th of december when he asked me out.
For the past 2 months i've fallen in love with him. Apparently though we were dating even before we were. Everyone saw it but us, and when we did it was just so right. I love Derek entirely. And we have so many jokes, between clay platypi and pi time, and the location of muffins, and the doctor who christmas formula, we're always laughing. And you clearly know i love him readers and i can prove it so easily..... I WALK home with him every day after school. Yes readers, i walk, outdoors, in the cold, when i could take the bus. That is true love. :D But honestly i do. Even if it seems early or impossible its how i feel and i can see that he feels so too.
I know its just a matter of time before the broken dish effect... but the difference with Derek is that i don't think he's perfect. I see his flaws and i love him in spite of them. And i know he loves me. So different from everyone else. He REALLY cares. I feel that this time its different. He isn't pressuring me to have sex, hes dedicated to me WAY beyond cheating, hes not an emotional wreck, and though he's flawed, it just makes him more real.
But change is everything. He certainly changed me, like the rest. However i pray we're together for a long time. Because i feel that this will. Even though change is enevitable i hope we change together and not apart. I've never met anyone who understands me as much as him.
JMK
*Sitters-of-stairwell-C began when Sarah brought her Berty Bott's every flavoured beans to school. We of course had to experimental eat. It was trully flavour russian roulette ( I got rotten egg, twice.) Jacob and Genn also couldn't pass up the oppertunity. And where Genn goes, so does David. So we all went, after period two, to the stair well C, sat in a circle and passed around the beans. And after you see people puke up multy coloured goop your tend to bond a sort of connection. Pickles also sometimes joins us but for the most part eats lunch with Aavan, who the rest of us don't really like...
