about my valentines day post...

Ya so i was just reviewing what i wrote... because i saw there was another post for 2012 and i didn't remember writing it... so anyways i read it... dear lord do i ever sound pretentious, especially nearing the end. That fate would release me from this contract what the hell was i even saying........ wow. okay silly past self me.

Anywho en re:

That was actually the 8th of february. The next day i talked to sarah about Keates and she confirmed that not only was it fine with her but she WANTED us to go out. i thought it was a little strange but what the hell yay for me. I ended up asking him out two days later.... He obviously said yes. We see eachother almost daily now. I'm very happy.

Now that i've said that SERIOUSLY going to write my cappies review.

That feeling.

You know that feeling you have when you know that you're supposed to be doing something important so suddenly all sorts of things around you suddenly seem vitally important to do now. For example... and this is *cough* totally hypothetical: I'm supposed to be writing two cappies reviews that i have to send in before i go to bed but the cleanliness of my room is just too hard to live with and i must clean it! or go on youtube and catch up with all those subscribers i've been ignoring these past few months.... or ANYTHING besides actually writing the cappies reviews. This is very difficult because i really want to write them and just have them over with so i can go to bed. BUT i just dont want to do the WRITING part. Can't they just be done without the work first...? Why can't life work that way it would be so much easier. I'm sure we all know this feeling and i just wanted to share because like i said ANYTHING but writing the review. .... No one reads this and i probably should think that's a shame but i really don't. If i really wanted people to know my every thought i'd get twitter. I don't really care. This is just an outlet. for when i'm bored or upset or procrastinating. Even this is procrastinating by talking about procrastinating. Those the most important to me i tell my deepest thoughts but if you aren't someone i love then i guess youre screwed. Or you've happened upon this blog by some strange happenstance. Or you're a stranger reading my inner thoughts which is weirdly okay. Because it's easier to tell a stranger something than a close friend. (Except public speeches!) That's why psychiatrists do so well.

Anyways i've got to go actually write these reviews so i dont have to stay up really late so i can rest before i hang out with keates tomorrow. :) I don't really need to talk about him on here. For the first time i don't want to tell strangers about my relationship and how i feel about him because its just us two. its private and comfortable and i like it that way. I don't know if that makes sense but... its true. ANYWAYS RIGHT! going to write now......, sort of.

Toodles.

Valentines day 2012

So. It's uhh been awhile. I don't know why i still sometimes want to do this. I guess it's better than ranting and annoying my friends. And there are some things that I just can't talk about to anyone. Not yet. So I tell the world... Though I'm sure no one reads this. Anyways let's just get to it then.

I'm in love with my best friend. Okay well maybe not in love yet, but damn am i ever close. I really like him. I really really like him. When he's not around I can't stop thinking about him and wishing he was there. When he is there I never want to stop talking. He's handsome and smart and adorable in a nerdy sort of way that is pretty necessary in my life. I adore him. He makes me laugh and he actually listens to me, though sometimes I really do wonder why. And I can relate to him. We're just so similar. The more time I spend with him the more I want to. He's been going through a rough time lately and all I want to do is hug him tight and kiss him until it all goes away. Or at least until he feels better. The worst part is I can't do a thing about it. In my head I play out scenario after scenario of me asking him out or vice versa and Yet I know that it can't happen. It's not because he doesn't like me, oh I know he does. It's complicated but it goes something like this:

I've liked him on and off since grade nine when he saved me from my lonesome solitude by the steps. I think he's liked me too. But early last fall just as I was about to man up and ask him out Sarah told me that she liked him too. Being the wonderful friend that i am (and not wanting a repeat of the derek incident*) we made a pact with five rules. She broke every single one of those rules apart from actually asking him out. I didn't know this of course until later. Anyway. He knew that we both liked him and we vowed that we would not make a big deal of this and that our friendship takes precedent. That's all fine. He asked her out. And they went out, though it was the strangest most awkward relationship I have ever seen and if I'm honest it made them both sort of miserable. But I got over it, that is not the issue of this story, I even started to like this other guy Luke marshy, but then he had a brain hemorrhage and went into a coma in the hospital and is now home ill. I still care about him but it made me realize that it wouldn't work, I didn't care enough about him (I was upset but not nearly enough). But then Sarah dumped Keates and I hung out with him. At first it was just to cheer him up because I didn't want him to get all depressive alone in his basement because Keates it's always the best when he's happy (or really annoyed but that's just because his sarcasm is hilarious). But then as we began to hang out more and more I remembered all the reason that I cared for him and learnt a lot about him since. I've fallen for him hard and I can't ask him out because Sarah wouldn't forgive me. And I don't have enough friends t be able to afford that. I'm going to try talking to her to judge where she is mentally and emotionally but knowing her Im not too keen on being hopeful in the slightest.

So that's where I am this valentines day. Caught in the most desperate of triangles pleading with fate to somehow release me from this unwanted contract.

I really hope it ends well. I don't want to hurt anybody but a the same time I want to be happy too and right now the only person who makes my day good and makes me smile and want to wake up in the morning and enjoy the day is Keates.

Jen

*the derek incident: we went out, he later found out that pickles liked him, she became really depressive over it. And it made him curious, and sort of complimented I guess, I don't know. And his curiosity to see what would happen with her (his crush right before me) eventually won out. He dumped me and went out with her. That didn't work either btw but it's the principle of the matter. I was asked out because he KNEW I liked him, he didn't think he had a chance with her. Now neither she nor I are friends, neither of us are dating derek and honestly even my friendship with him is ruined.